"You a mom and pop, I'm a corporation."

Dear “It” Girl,

Can you finish those lyrics…and post them to your Facebook wall?

Repeat after me:

“I’m the press conference, you’re a conversation.”

Now specify:

Yes, a conversation that should be over…..because I am way too good for you.

Way too special for that.

Ouch.

So, when it comes to dating successfully, confidence is the name of the game. But it’s not all about strutting your stuff and looking cute boys in the eye while slowly sipping cocktails.

As illustrated above, it’s about ending a relationship with someone who isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated, no matter how little you think your chances are of finding someone you’ll feel just as strongly about.

All that and more.

It’s about being confident enough to live your truth-no matter where you are in your love life.

If your “flyin solo,” is it because you have not got over your ex? Is it because you are not putting yourself out there enough? Or are you choosing the wrong guys because you are unconsciously afraid of intimacy ?

Hopefully, it is because you haven’t met the right guy and are confident enough not to settle for less!

If you are in a relationship, are you confident enough to speak your mind even if it means hurting his feelings by sharing painful truths?

If you aren’t communicating what you really feel, then you aren’t communicating who you really are.

Hopefully, you are confident enough to tell it like it is and hope he’ll love you in spite of, or (smile) because of it.

And if not, well, his loss.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS. MFT

How to Find Fireworks with Your American Boy

Dear “It “ Girl,

Happy 4th of July to all of my American girls! I hope you are enjoying your friends, family, and fun in the sun, as well as reflecting on the meaning of this special holiday.

On the 234th,birthday of the United States of America, I invite you to consider the principles that make this “land of the free and home of the brave” so wonderful.
Interestingly enough, I can draw parallels between the ideals of the country and my notions for healthy and happy relationships.

And, I’m not just referring to fireworks! Yes, we all want those.

If it lasts, chemistry- like the spark we feel when we first lay eyes on him or share a delicious first kiss- can carry a relationship through the rollercoaster of life.

But what America really has in common with healthy relationships is not the firecrackers-which quickly reach their peak and just as quickly fizzle out-but the values of freedom and independence.

Now such will mean different things to different people. For one woman, freedom is a great career and a personal checking account, and for the next, it is a monthly girl’s night out!

In a healthy relationship, both individuals (as well as the relationship between them) reach their maximum potential when they balance their needs for freedom and independence with the needs of their partners.

Often, people do not communicate their deepest needs to their partners, but when they do, they enjoy significant improvement in their relationships.

How do you think incorporating independence and freedom into your relationship would make things better for you and your American boy?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Match this: "They had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other."

Dear "It" Girl,

In the movie, The Notebook, Duke describes the relationship between Allie and Noah:

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other. "

Sound like anyone you know? They seem like night and day, right? How do they stay together?

People often ask me how I match people together. Would they raise an eyebrow if I introduced to seemingly opposite people with a severe lack in common interests?

Probably! A lot of people want matches based on the following: Age, height, location, education, career, hobbies, income, desire (or lack of desire) for kids,religion. Blah Blah Blah. All the superficial-yet often important details-must be lined up like ducks in a row for many of my clients to even consider someone worthy of a phone conversation.

Am I complaining? Kind of-but I do understand. We all have ideas of who we think we'll fall in love with, but are we right?

Sometimes, I want to scream at these people and their laundry lists. i.e. Do you really think you should dismiss him just because he doesn't share your love of candlemaking? Picky, picky, picky.

Call me radical, but perhaps people could fall in love with just about anyone if the timing and certain conditions were right. (This reasoning has a lot to do with Harville Hendrix and Imago Therapy! http://www.harvillehendrix.com/)

I think it is more about the nature of the relationship, the dynamic of the relationship, the comfortable patterns and routines, "the way he makes me feel" that people fall in love with. Am I saying that people can fall in love with anyone who can co create the type of relationship that most appeals to their psyche? Maybe! Maybe if he's cute.

Why not try it? Pick a guy. Not just any guy, but one you are reasonably attracted to who meets at least half of your laundry list. Can you become as crazy about him as Allie and Noah were about each other?

There's only one way to find out!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Mr. Everything I Never Knew I Always Wanted

Dear "It" Girl,

In the Sex & The City television series, Charlotte York falls for the guy she would have never imagined herself with in a million years. She explains to the girls:"I'm seeing someone..sort of. It's ridiculous- he's so-o-o not my type. He's bald and short. And he talks with his mouth full..and….it's the best sex of my life.....I think I might really like him."

Fast forward to the big screen, SATC II, with all its' fabulous fashion and beautiful Middle Eastern scenery, Carrie wonders about the complexity of human relationships. "Can we ever really know what goes on between two people?" she asks.

Umm. No. Sorry Ms. Bradshaw. Therapists and coaches trained to have the highest degrees of empathy can't even understand completely. How can they when it is often that one or two of those two people can't even comprehend the dynamic of the very relationship they are in?

Chemistry is a mystery; it is the one thing even Ms. Matchmaker Extraordinaire can't guarantee her clients will have. Yes, most of the time they tell me about the "type" they need to meet to feel a spark that won't be put out. If you are such an expert, why are you contacting me in the first place?!

The truth is, I know both personally and professionally that there's something to be said for dating the guy who is "soooo not my type".

I've said it before and I will say it again: LOVE IS NOT RATIONAL!!! You will not fully understand why you feel the way you do when you fall for him. However, I'd bet my last dollar it won't be because he's 6'2'' or because he went to Princeton.

You'll fall in love with someone's core. It'll be apparent in what he does when he thinks you are not looking, what happens when you are stuck in the car with him for hours, when you realize you share the same values, (and lazy Sundays!) when you discover you don't want to live without how he makes you feel.

Your type?

History.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

5 Lessons on Love - From (Gasp!) Reality TV

Dear "It" Girl,

Sometimes, there are uniquely valuable lessons to be learned from (gasp) reality tv! Case in point: VH1's Tough Love Couples, whose Season Finale aired this evening. I sit on the edge of my seat-just like the countless other viewers throughout the country tonight- as I waited to see how the story would unfold for the five couples who made it through the "boot camp" of my bosses, Steve and Jo Ann Ward.

I think these young couples who share their vulnerability and relational issues with the world should all be commended for their courage to give their relationships a fair chance. To come to a decide whether they should make up or break up-for good- on national television nonetheless- is no easy task! As Steve Ward says on the show: "Relationships are not light switches. Make a decision already!" If you are an "It" girl struggling with your own on again off again relationship or just at the point where it's only healthy to decide whether a relationship that's been on should stay on or fade to black, learn from the experiences of the couples on this show.

In my opinion, some of the take home messages are as follows:

Sometimes "you just know" when things are meant to be from the very start. Take Larry and Heather: He says he knew she was his soul mate from the moment he layed eyes on her. They had to get through a lot of crap first from frequent fighting to dealing with the ex factor, but they both emerged from boot camp confident that marriage is what they wanted. By the way, I think every girl wants a guy to look at her the way Larry looked at Heather when she walked down that pseudo aisle in her dress.

Sometimes it's too late. Meet Dustin and Courtney. High school sweethearts together for eight years. Eight years of conflict that have left them feeling more like roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend. When they came to boot camp, she was ready for commitment, and he was the less invested partner. In the end, they did a role reversal. I believe that Courtney made the best decision she could have made. Too much damage had been done, as the trust was gone. Despite their best efforts in boot camp, she realized the relationship was toxic for her. She broke up with Dustin to find herself again. I could not have been prouder of her ability to let go of the guy she loved but clearly outgrew. Courtney had the guts to be true to herself. As Steve rationalizes, if it is meant to be in the end, it will be. (Oh and as for Ryan and Axelle, who got booted off of a boot camp a few episodes back, sometimes it is really too late. Thank God, they had this experience to help them dodge the many bullets that their volatile relationship would have brought. May their relationship rest in peace!)

Nothing can stand in the way of true love. Not a commitment phobe, not a meddling mom, not a prior broken off engagement to the same person! Awww, Dennis and Simone. You could just feel the love! They were both glowing after his proposal. Dennis had a calm air of confidence about him. He knew he made the right decision to ask Simone to marry him, because all his fears were gone. When you remove relationship threats and work on your selves as a couple to the point that you have no fears, like this couple did, you know in your heart of hearts that you will live happily ever after.

With her consistent support and acceptance, a woman has the power to make her non-committal boy realizes he's in love and man the hell up! Pawell and Danielle came to boot camp with a lot of issues, namely a lack of communication about problems and a severe lack of intimacy. They were both afraid of commitment, in denial about their relationship, and needed to work very hard at renewing their romance. His speech was heart warming- an inspiration to every woman who is holding on to hope with her diamond in the rough! He can do it ladies, and he needs your encouragement!

When you truly are in love with someone, you sacrifice your own desires to make him or her happy. In essence, both Mario and Christina both did the same thing. Clearly, she was the one who wanted marriage more. I never doubted Mario loved her like he has never loved anyone before, but he had some serious doubts to get past. As a couple, they had a very unhealthy dynamic and their growth was tremendous. In the end he puts on the tuxedo, because he knows she wants commitment. He knows he should give it to her because he loves her too much to lose her. Interestingly enough, Christina does not put on the dress. In the final episodes, she says she doesn't want to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to be engaged to her. She gives up on her dream to be with Mario to make him happy- even though a break up is not what she wants. Dramatically, he comes through and proposes to her! Yes, love is patient and love is kind, after all. They still have challenges to overcome-a peek at the extra follow up episode reveals that- and I really hope they can make it.

Do you agree with these relationship lessons? Which do you need to apply to your own love life?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Solving the “Ex” Factor

Dear "It" Girl,

When working with clients in coaching at Master Matchmakers, part of our program includes the completion of a SWOT analysis. (Yes, business majors have the edge here!) I help my clients assess both internal factors (strengths and weaknesses) and external factors (opportunities and threats) that can help or hinder their ability to achieve relational happiness.

One "threat" that comes up repeatedly is attachment and/or unresolved issues with exes. Tonight's episode of Tough Love Couples illustrates the way in which a relationship with an ex boyfriend can cause insecurity in a current boyfriend, as well as stress and confusion in his girlfriend, namely within the lens of Larry and Heather's relationship. Heather's friendship with her ex was so problematic that Steve made her put a year long "ban" on communication with him. I wholeheartedly believe this ban is crucial for the survival of their relationship.

As I get ready to watch Dennis and Simone, yet another couple on Steve Ward's "hot seat" after the commercial break, I think the following:

1. Trust is absolutely essential to a healthy, happy relationship.
   
2. Boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable correspondence with exes must be discussed and mutually agreed on.
   
3. Sometimes the past is the past for a reason, and one must let an ex go in order to move forward in a new relationship.
   

   
    

Is your ex a threat to your current relationship? If so, you must figure out a solution!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Mingling 101: Perfect The Art Of The Approach: May 22nd Event NYC: F

Dear "It" Girl,

Unfortunately, when it comes to initiating conversation with strangers who spark a romantic interest, even some of the best "catches" out there fall short. Both men and women alike have difficulty approaching attractive members of the opposite sex. Whether it is the opportunity in the split second passing on the street, the chance for conversation next to the guy on the bus, or the choice among several potential suitors at an event or party, we could all benefit from learning how to handle these situations. If you are like most women, you have probably been socialized to let the man make the initial approach. You do know that you must give him some clues, right?

Looking fabulous? Check

Smiling? Check

Eye contact? Check

Inviting body language? Check

Off the Blackberry? Check

And he's still not introducing himself, huh?

If you are sending all the right signals and he still fails to initiate conversation, you have two options: 1. Talk to him. 2. Walk away. The decision you make will be the result of the way your own psyche works as well as several other factors surrounding your love life. (i.e. Are you holding on to a past relationship or have a current "Plan B" in your heart.. or bed?)

Just know that there is many an interested and interesting guy out there who fears rejection, lacks confidence, and could desperately use a nudge. Essentially, he has no clue what to say to you and would love a hint. He could be a great boyfriend, but if you don't do something about it you are either scared, foolish, or don't really want him. Either way, you'll never know what could have been.

If you, reading this, are that guy and you were interested, please send me an email! You need some assistance my friend. Maybe you are thinking that you were caught off guard or that you had a bad hair day; but don't allow these excuses to get in the way. Act on every opportunity or some other guy will. Like it or not, you are the one who is generally expected by most of society to make the first move. Women may show interest. Men should pursue. You can choose to accept this and watch the number of dates you have increase exponentially or try to convince your friends that you actually like spending all your nights alone with your DVR.

The point is, both men and women need help in everyday situations when there is less pressure to "pickup" and most definitely in situations like social networking/singles events where they are expected to talk to people! Fortunately, I am here to help share my knowledge, personal experience, and experience of clients with you.

If you are in or around NYC, you may wish to attend an event next Saturday evening in which I was invited to be the guest speaker. On May 22^nd, I will be speaking at Blue Moon Consulting's workshop "Mingling for Confidence and Success". The four components to effective mingling will be covered. My portion of the discussion will focus on personal branding for dating success and the power of positivity.

The workshop will be held from 5-7PM at Stone Creek, followed by a Lock & Key Party in which I will be mingling with singles at the midtown lounge, Opal, from 8 to 10PM. You can sign up and find more information here: http://www.bluemoonconsulting.net/workshop.php

Hope to see you there!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT