How To Tell If Your New Man Really Likes You

Dear “It” Girl,

When it comes to new relationships, many “It” girls like to remain blissfully ignorant. Sometimes, due to pasts filled with awful dating experiences, these women are just pleased as punch to meet an attractive new guy who doesn’t try to sleep with them after the first date. If they are used to getting scraps, they are thrilled to have the buffet and would prefer to enjoy it as opposed to worrying about the fact that their Mr. Wonderful(s) took them to the same restaurant three times in the past two weeks. They pretend they don’t know such is code for a man who is only interested in their goodies. (You do remember that restaurant in that old SATC episode don’t you? Okay, Mr. Big eventually came through, but Carrie certainly had reason for her share of worries!)

Can you relate? Perhaps you think you are safe if your new man is jet-setting with you around the globe, but you may still need to come down to earth. Do you want the quickest route to a reality check? You may be traveling all around the world, but ask yourself: has he introduced you to his world? He doesn’t have to fly you to Virginia on Date # 3 to meet the family (Full disclosure: Yes, that happened to me!), but a guy who is serious about you will want to start introducing you to friends after a month or so of regular dating. If he’s not showing you off by then, watch out, because he may be trying to keep you as his unofficial girl.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT
　
　

How to Go On a First Date That Isn’t A Waste of Makeup

Dear "It" Girl,

A lot of times, dating to find a suitable partner can feel like a numbers game. On more than one occasion, you've probably wondered just how many toads you'll have to kiss before you find your handsome prince. I know firsthand how exhausting dating can be. I can relate to how easy it is to feel like giving up, especially when you realize after five minutes into a date that the evening will serve as nothing more than a good story for your friends. (That's if you are planning to stick it out. All "It" girls should have a Plan B for first dates, in the form of a previous commitment afterward or a friend to call in with an emergency! You already know this though, right?)

After a string of such experiences, it is easy to start feeling bad about yourself and thinking negatively about your chances of meeting someone special. Don't fall into the trap of believing you'll never find anyone who you are compatible with just because you met a few guys who turned out to be wastes of makeup. Don't let it become a self fulfilling prophecy that leaves you bitter and desperate.

n terms of advice for avoiding future encounters with guys who barely have potential-the best advice I can offer you is that must screen your prospects more carefully. Don't go out with someone just to go out with someone, even if it has been way longer than you'd like to admit. Learn a little bit about the guy via phone and ask yourself if he is interesting enough to spend an hour of your time with. (Agreeing to just drinks or coffee for date number one is always smart. After all, you can always transition into dinner if things go well.) Meeting someone for five minutes, giving him your phone number, and agreeing to a date after a ten minute texting volley isn't the best way to ensure a great date. (Sure, guys love how easy that is. Remember you have to teach him how to treat you from the start.) Your time is valuable, so don't waste it by meeting up with someone you know virtually nothing about. With just a little effort on your part you can save yourself from going out with guys who have red flags that you would have seen from a mile away if only you stopped to take a look. With this self-respectable approach in mind, you'll be getting a French manicure for your last first date in no time!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

 

Dating, Relationships, & Technology 101

Dear "It" Girl,

As you are probably well aware, the impact of technology on dating and relationships is currently a huge, controversial topic. Many people love all the texting and social networking sites, while many others love to hate it.

In the next couple weeks, I am going to speak to friends, strangers, sister "It" girls, co-workers, and maybe even some "It" boys on their opinions. Perhaps, you'll be seeing a guest blog..…or ten! I will solicit the perspectives of those who can help a modern day woman such as yourself navigate the challenges that Great Aunt Betsey wouldn't have even imagined. It is really a different dating game, and we all need to listen to others who can offer us insight on how to play it so that we come out winners.

Here are some of my own thoughts to whet your appetite:

Technology can help you see him for who he is: Have you just started seeing a new guy? Without becoming obsessive, do your homework and check him out on the Internet. The idea here is not to become a stalker, but to make observations that could prevent you from getting involved with the wrong type of guy. Have a look at his Facebook or Myspace profile. Be sure to check out the photos and friends who've posted comments. While you can't always judge a book by its' cover, it is safe to say you'll get a good preview. If the guy you thought you were dating is in numerous photos posing with flirtatious and scantily clad members of the opposite sex, you've just received your wake-up call. The time and nature of one's texts can also provide clues to his or her true intentions (i.e. after 10PM iBooty Call). All of this can help women stop projecting the fantasies that we often do onto the men in our lives. Okay, so maybe you aren't stereotypically picking out china patterns, but after this newly discovered info, you don't really think he's serious now do you?

Technology can help you set boundaries from the start:

If you are savvy (and I know you are), you will use technology to mold a new relationship into your desired shape. Use texts, emails, and chatting to set boundaries. Don't get into the pattern of doing too much too soon, unless you'd like to be married to your inbox. If you answer right away all the time or send texts to a new man throughout the workdays, be prepared for him to think something is wrong when you get sick of the constant communication and break the pattern.

The start of a relationship is your chance to set the tone for what you do and don't want to discuss via text. Above all, you should keep in mind that texting is not meant to replace more traditional forms of communication. Some things really are best said in person.

A word of caution: Don't become another victim of the "sexting" trend. Ladies, especially, don't send risqué texts and cleavage-inspired photos to guys you've just met unless you are okay with having a larger audience. Instead of getting yourself into trouble, just use subtle innuendo and cutesy flirtation to build a connection with your new interest. Have fun!

With such tips in mind you are on your way to using technology to your advantage! TTYL =)

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Dating, Relationships, and The Dollar

Dear "It" Girl,

It's Friiiiiddday! I hope you are doing something fun tonight to reward yourself for all the hard work you've done throughout the week. If you are an "It" girl on a budget like many of us are these days (i.e. champagne tastes on a beer pocket), don't let it get you down. I know it's hard not to, especially when you are in or near NYC. Try not to worry so much about money though. I support the old adage: "Do what you love, and the money will follow".

On that note, I wanted to share a recent article I published on a very cool new blog that I will be contributing to. The following article can be found at http://smartsexysassywomen.com/ a great resource for city girls!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

The Recession Reframed: Thoughts to Inspire Relational Bliss

By Rachel Russo
Are you sick and tired of hearing the "Negative Nellies" in your life complain about the impact of the economic crisis? Do you feel the need to silence them, reasoning that they might as well stop dwelling on it, as there isn't much that can be done at this point to quickly change the situation?
Perhaps, we can all use this recession as an opportunity to promote positive transformation in our attitudes and relationships. It is no secret that things are bad. However, the value in realizing what mental health professionals do- that a shift in thoughts often equates a shift in behavior- is lesser known. Regardless of your marital status, you can learn to reframe your perspective to attract and maintain healthier, happier relationships.

Singles dating smarter
It's about time the old standby weekly dinner and a movie date had a makeover! While such date nights are often ideal and rewarding in the later stages of courtship, they do not provide those who have just started seeing each other a way to become as deeply acquainted as more recession friendly dates would. Cooking at home, walks through the park, or game nights with friends could facilitate couple bonding and a quicker assessment of compatibility. In addition to the decreased waste of time and money on potential suitors who would be disappointing outside the context of a dark movie theater, both men and women may be more likely to take each person they go out with more seriously. With the trend of online dating making it seem like another date is just a mouse click away, people have started to treat their dates as job interviews. With these superficial meet ups occurring both in the city and in the suburbs, very few people make it past the first round of interviews. If you've grown accustomed to such a style of dating, you may find that spending more time with your dates and saving for big (and less frequent) nights on the town may be an intimacy-inspiring alternative to hunting for more prospects to meet for drinks.

Love can wait
Times of economic hardship are good news for the young committed couples planning to be married with children. As statistics show, a longer courtship is correlated with decreased likelihood of divorce. If the couple's belief system allows for cohabitation, moving in together can help them save money while discovering if sharing a life is really what they both want. Delaying childbirth for close to two years after tying the knot is also correlated with more marital satisfaction-at least in the short term! Putting dreams on hold and working collaboratively to achieve financial goals can certainly make for the foundation of a stronger love and marriage. Our country's economic situation can make it easier and less awkward for young couples to have more open, honest communication about finances. Such can help set the tone for a successful marriage. Couples who are forced to delay marriage because of their lack of funds can benefit from more time to face the challenges of building solid partnerships while integrating their daily lives and families of origin.

Long-terms couples finding new ways to invest
Like bank accounts, relationships need investments to grow. Are you putting enough into your own or taking your partner for granted? With current studies indicating the greatest divorce rate for couples who have been married twenty- plus years, it is clear that many people must treat the present day- recession and all- as the time to work on enhancing their marriages. As you have probably heard, many are choosing marriage counseling over separation, often because divorcing is less affordable. The reality of having to maintain two separate residences is an unattractive option for many of those who've experienced job losses and pay cuts. Couples who have been "hit hard" by the recession may experience tremendous crisis, stress from transitions, or a change in familiar roles. Handled properly, such could be a blessing in disguise that leads to better relationships. For instance, a husband may be out of work for the first time since the couple has been together. With unemployment often leading to depression and less self esteem, he may need to lean on his wife like he never had before. These are the times in which couples grow together or grow apart. Besides offering tremendous opportunities for dyadic growth, the recession can be the perfect chance for couples to get back in touch- physically and emotionally- as they find new ways to save money and their marriages.

Indeed, whether you are single and ready to mingle or married and hoping for change, your chances for relational bliss are all in the reframe!

On Dating: “It” Girls Need Game Plans Too!

Dear "It" Girl,

Does it seems like everywhere you turn people are talking about relationships- wanting them, finding them, losing them, and ideally maintaining them? In my experience, it often seems like everyone, from well-meaning family and friends to the neighborhood Yentas, to the producers of He's Just Not That Into You, has something to say about the best ways to make things work between creatures as diverse as men and women. (Of course, whether men and women are actually more alike than different is up for debate!) However, most modern day dating advice for women who want to improve their romantic relationships generally falls into two categories.

There are those who believe in Karmic principles and subscribe to the age-old golden rule that encourages women to treat men how they want to be treated. (i.e. Don't ignore him today if you don't want him to ignore you tomorrow.) Various types of women may be likely to entertain this belief including the hopeless romantics as well as those who fancy The Secret and/or are committed to their spiritual growth and religiosity.

Then, there are those who believe that men must be trained. (i.e. If he doesn't respond to words, he'll respond to no contact.) Typical promoters of this second school of thought are women who've realized that they were a bit more "skilled" in the relationships and communication department than their male counterparts. Perhaps, life has presented them with a bunch of men with "potential" who needed to molded into a more dateable shape.

While I'm not here to endorse any one team in the dating game, I'd encourage all of my "It" girls to play carefully by making a conscious effort to be aware of their true intentions for their relationships when coming up with a strategy. Facilitating male attachment that can lead to relationship success is a highly individualized process. It's best to steer clear of generic dating advice and analyze its' application to your man on a case by case basis. As always, exercise caution when it comes to matters of the heart.

The Secret To Avoiding Another Boyfriend-Less Holiday Season

Dear "It" Girl,

I'm here to tell you that all you want can truly be yours if you just believe it is possible. I know that some of you are shaking your heads right now, as you are bound to have goals and desires that seem quite unattainable. You must have dreamed somewhat big at some point though or you wouldn't be able to call yourself an "It" girl.

I was skeptical too, until I really started understanding the power of positive thinking. Our thoughts really do shape our realities (and vice versa) so we might as well make them good ones. I know firsthand that there is a power in reciting affirmations, creating deadlines for when you'll achieve your goals, marking those dates on your calendar, and then just believing the Universe or God will allow everything to happen.

As stated in "The Secret," you don't have to worry about how things will work themselves out. You just have to make your dreams known, do your best to achieve them, and believe they will come true. The key is always to realize what you want and just have faith that you will get it.

Please, please apply this to your love lives. If you can subscribe to this mentality, it will change everything. Is a monogamous relationship what you want? Well write down the exact date you hope to have it by. Is that all you want for Christmas? Great, because you have six months before you can honestly say that you will no longer be dreading another boyfriend-less holiday season.

Why not pretend you already have him? (The fake- it until- you- make- it approach has worked on more than one occasion!) How would things be different in your life? What would you need to change? Can making those changes now improve your life? Can envisioning your relationship actually help you find it? Yes, because with a clear goal in mind, you will be more likely to behave in ways that can bring you to the finish line.

Remember it is not a race. If you can train your mind to think this way, your future is looking very bright. Keep believing you'll have what you want, because one day, you will!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

Rethinking Singlehood - Help For the Ladies Who Are Sick of Being Single

Dear "It" Girl,

Rachel Russo
Level: Basic PLUS

is an "It" girl on a mission to save the world-one relationship at a time. Rachel currently practices psychotherapy at Marriage & Family Therapy of ... ...

If you are frustrated with being a young single woman in today's society, it is time to think about your singlehood in a new and more useful way.

To begin with, you aren't alone in your discontentment, so please stop thinking that there is something wrong with you. It really is a jungle out there; things have changed dramatically since your parents' day and age.

As a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, I help many single women who are interested in attracting, creating, and maintaining healthy relationships, but have grown tired of the dating game. Actually, I am afraid that if most of them have to go on one more date with a guy who gives back the menu before they can decide between the chocolate molten cake and the brownie sundae, they may do something that warrants participation in an anger management group!

A lot of women who were once "It" girls have surely lost their "single girl swag". If you, too, consider your singlehood as some kind of cruel purgatory and are more keen on plotting an escape than living your single life to the fullest, stop and ask yourself why.

My guess is that some of the reasons for your discomfort with your marital status stem from factors that lie outside of you. Perhaps, it's the nosey aunt who makes family functions less bearable with her constant queries about when you'll "settle down with a nice Jewish boy" or one too many wedding announcements of former classmates in the local paper.

Do you feel you are at the age where you are ready to consider marriage or are you at the one in which everyone else thinks you should be shopping for princess cut engagement rings?

Without a doubt, it is difficult to escape the stories that society tells us about how we should think, feel, and be- but you can do it! The first step is acknowledging the impact of your larger sociocultural context on your life as a single. How has your family of origin, pop culture, the media, and your own socioeconomic status influenced you?

Sure, you don't want to be the cougar who is clearly a little too old to be at that club in that unforgiving- excuse- for- a- halter top, but is your reason more about the stigmas and less because you have been there and done that?

With the help of friends, qualified professionals, a support group- or maybe even by an empowered you, yourself, and you-start to explore the ways in which being single has impacted your life. Has it shattered your self esteem or affected your social life and relationships with friends, family, and co-workers? Is there more pressure to attend the company's weekly happy hour (and throw back four Cosmos) since you don't have a husband and 2.5 kids to come home to?

If you connect with others in your community, you may gain insight into the steps you would need to take to feel happy about your status as single or somewhat single. Wouldn't it be great if people could work together to deconstruct their "myths" about being single. What about if they could learn to believe and promote alternative stories in society?

Cheers to celebrating your best single life-not only because a celebration will bring you closer to falling in love with your One, but also because it will help you fall in love with the most special person of all- you.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Want Love? Step Outside of Yourself

Dear "It Girl",

I once read a book for writers, Thunder and Lightening (Batman Books), that inspired me with the following quote:

"Our voice emerges when we're jolted, loosened, connected to ourselves in a way that's bigger than ourselves."

It made me think about the ways that people find and create themselves. Some find meaning in their passions- their art, music, writing, or work. Many find their truth in love. Sometimes, it takes stepping out of ourselves, leaving our comfort zones, and developing empathy for others to find what truly makes us happy. Hollywood does an excellent job of illustrating such.

Case in point: Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal

In this fabulously entertaining date movie, Bullock's character, Margaret, a high-powered, New York "It" girl, is surely out of her comfort zone from the moment she lands in Alaska and is forced to go down a ladder in stilettos. (Yes, the girl has baggage, but she doesn't declare it all upfront like she does her Louie Vuitton!) Without giving away the ending, I will reveal that Margaret's ability to walk around in Andrew's (Reynolds) shoes after a weekend in his hometown is precisely what puts her most in touch with herself and the feelings she has about love, life, and her past. (By the way, watching her heart-warming transformation alone is surely worth the ten dollars, but I digress!)

While real-life endings can't always be as happily- ever- after as those in the movies, taking risks in life could help you find out who you truly are. If you don't take risks, you really are risking everything. Can you be a little braver today?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

For When You Meet A Cute Narcissist

Dear "It" Girl,

So, I'm sitting on a bus to the city, sans my hot pink Ipod Nano, forced to listen to the forty minute flirtatious conversation of the two twenty-something strangers sitting behind me. While my inability to block out their high-pitched voices is mildly annoying, I try to make the best of my observation of this typical-getting-to-know-someone banter. I am always encouraging clients to find the silver lining. Perhaps, I can learn something from this interaction that I can pass on to others.

First, I notice the themes of said boy and girl's conversation. They talk about their families, common interests, places they have been, and places they'd like to go. Then, I notice the pattern: the conversation is all about him! He loves all the attention, as she is simply fascinated by his animated monologues. With my therapist hat on, I think this could be the start of a long power struggle. At the conclusion of the bus ride and after the exchange of Facebook links, he actually says: "So do you want my number or something?" ("Yeah, totally!")

In the next breath, I am mad at myself for being judgmental. Maybe he is just nervous. Indeed, I have always advised female clients I coach to give a guy who talked too much on date number one a second chance. (Who hasn't had the first date jitters?) Just as I am getting caught up in my own inner dialogue, he opens his mouth again and confirms it: pure narcissist!

Now, my "It" girls, I know these men can be alluring and quite entertaining at times, but I warn you- this too shall pass. If you are truly interested in such a type, you will have to make a conscious effort to see if the guy is capable and willing of listening to you from the very beginning. Does he ask you questions about your life or are the seconds you get a word in just opportunities to catch his breath? Let him know from the beginning that you have a voice and you want it to be heard- that you want a guy who actually values what you have to say. If you don't do this from the start- good luck trying to change it- after he gets used to running the show. (Well, it can be done, but it isn't easy!) Demand the respect you deserve or find a guy who doesn't require such demands. They are out there. I promise!

 

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

The Dangers of Falling For The Easy Bake Man

Dear "It" Girl,

As a former matchmaker, I am all too familiar with single women and the laundry list of attributes that they are looking for in men. From height requirements (No shorter than 5'10''), career preferences (Uggh, no finance guys, please!) to their notions of how their ideal man should spend his time (Not too much with the video games), it seems like some women want Prince Charming to step out of the Easy Bake Ovens of their childhood days! Are you wearing your guilty smirk yet?

While it is very important to date a man you find attractive in many ways, consider a widely known truth among couple's therapists, as well as long-time spouses: the very traits that you once found endearing in your partner will one day have the potential to annoy you to no end!

As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I would suggest that you consider focusing your search for Mr. Right on his relational style (i.e. how he relates to you) as opposed to all the superficial qualities that you might have feel for in the past. An Easy Bake Man is one who might seem like the perfect match. He is everything you dreamed of, but is he too good to be true?

If you want longevity in your love life, it is the nature of the relationship that really matters. What do you need to do know about his relational style?

Start with the green: Since money is the number one thing that couples fight about, you will want to find out how he views finances before you say I do. If you believe in spending and spending some more and he is a penny pincher, things can become difficult, especially in today's economy. Champagne tastes and beer budgets usually only work during the early stages of courtship.

Another crucial area: Sex and affection- Are you compatible between the sheets? How do you rate on similarity in preference for public displays of affection? If you want hugs and kisses and his style is "wham bam thank you mam," you may grow tired of executing plans to inspire his emotional expression.

Overall, get a good impression of a potential boyfriend's worldview. How do relationships fit into his work/life balance? Wait a second, does he have a work/life balance? Do his values mesh with your own? When you consider all of this, the coveted six pack may be pushed a little further down your list of attributes.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

It’s Not Getting What You Want, It’s Wanting What You’ve Got

Dear "It" Girl,

I know, I know. It may have been a bit uncomfortable for you to read that title. Surely, as an "It" Girl, you are, for the most part, used to getting what you want.

You can rest assured that I am not suggesting that you settle for a guy, for a relationship, for a job, or for less than the most flattering pair of Seven jeans you can find in all the Bloomingdales within fifty miles of your zip code. I am not telling you that you shouldn't reach for the stars and strive for the highest level of success and happiness in all your endeavors.

What I am telling you is that appreciating what life throws your way is one of the key elements to your mental health. Creating a gratitude list when you are feeling down can be a wonderful pick-me-up reminding you of all the things that you have to be thankful for. If you are feeling more secure about yourself, you will be more present in your relationships. Your relationships, in turn, will be even more likely to promote self esteem and well being.

t was the best-selling author, Guy Finley, whose writing really resonated with me. When I stumbled upon one of his articles, "The Secret of Having Everything You Want," I felt like something really clicked. As Finley differentiates between which wants are our wants and which wants are Life's wants, he gives readers the message that wants which go against the grain of life are responsible for anxiety and sorrow.

Sometimes in life, we try so hard to have our plans and relationships conform to the pictures in our heads. It is helpful to remember that plans are often just that-plans. Learn to go with the flow a little more and watch your stresses lessen and lessen.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

The Link Between Genuine Communication And Your Emotional Well Being

Dear "It" Girl,

Sharing is caring! Here is another of my recently published articles for you. I wrote about the importance of genuine communication for The Paramus Post.

http://www.paramuspost.com/article.php/20090617082832608

Sometimes, telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth can be very intimidating. It really is the best way to live life. Skeptical? Read what follows!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

How to Enhance Your Emotional Well Being by Engaging In More Genuine Communication

By Mel Fabrikant   Wednesday, June 17 2009, 08:28 AM EDT    

By Rachel Russo

On psychotherapist's couches throughout the country, couples-both young and old- are revealing that they need help developing better communication skills. It's always a variation of the same story: "We don't communicate." "We talk, but we don't hear each other." At a time in which we are communicating more rapidly than ever-via texts, tweets, and one email volley after the next-it seems that there is hardly anyone among us who couldn't use some tips to facilitate more active listening for their in-person interaction.

As a society, our collective inability to engage in open and honest dialogue that could lead to positive change takes a toll on marital and family relationships. Couples, as well as singles who are unable to transcend the typical surface communication with their partners and potential suitors are ruining their likelihood of finding and maintaining fulfilling, romantic relationships. Their biggest mistakes often involve holding back the information that could set them up for successful partnerships.

If you feel like your emotional well being is suffering and are desperately trying to find a way to improve your relationships, here are a few things to consider:

The importance of being transparent: Yes, your mother always told you that it's not what you say but how you say it that counts. However, take care not to underestimate the importance of the content of your conversations with the people you care about. For truly successful relationships, the nature of your dialogue should always be based on the truth in its' entirety. Romantic relationships will flourish when both partners are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts about themselves and each other.

The value in being open and free with who you really are: From self-help books to yogi retreats, there are an abundance of resources in today's world that inspire people to find and become the most authentic versions of themselves. Perhaps the incredible power in living one's truth can be summed up in the following fashion. As a wise man once said, "I tell the truth because it's the easiest thing to remember." Living a façade puts an incredible burden on our emotional well being. Speaking the truth, even and most often when it hurts, frees up so much mental space and increases our ability to connect with others. Keep in mind that a large part of such openness requires taking personal responsibility for your wrong doings. If you know, for instance, that your actions or words have hurt your partner, you must admit your faults to live your full truth.

The benefit of talk about setting boundaries: Although setting marital boundaries is currently a hot topic in the mental health field, it appears to be that the subject is often just as relevant to those in the dating game. Boundaries define relationships and protect our individuality as we get closer to our partners. Setting them often seems risky in the early stages of dating, as we don't want to push those we are interested in too far away or hold them too close. Setting boundaries raises issues that are far more awkward then deciding which side of the bed is his, which is hers, and when it's okay to go on a Guy's Night Out. No wonder we don't want to talk about it! In reality, we are taking a risk if we talk about it and taking a risk if we don't.

Give it a try- the payoff is incredible!

Relationship Mistakes Or Invitations To Change?

Dear "It" Girl,

I've been getting some positive feedback for an article that I recently wrote for Ezinearticles. com at http://ezinearticles.com/?id=2461639
, and I thought it'd be good to share with you.

I copied the article below, which focuses on common relationship mistakes that modern day women make. As you are well aware, "It" girls make mistakes too. If you believe in fate and learning the lessons from your personal relationships, then maybe you don't consider your past actions to be mistakes at all. (If it felt right at the time, then it was right, right? Well-not always!)

Perhaps, you prefer to call your "mistakes" invitations for change. Whatever the case may be, just be willing to take a look at your behavior, but know that the dynamic of your relationship isn't your entire fault. After all, it "takes two to tango". That being said, we do teach people how to treat us. Make sure your words and behaviors are consistent with your relationship vision to increase your chances of relational bliss.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

"Relationship Mistakes: How A Woman Can Ruin Her Most Ideal Relationship"

Women make relationship mistakes too; after reading this article, you'll no longer be able to pretend that it's all your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend's fault.

Let me guess- you had some great times together-just you and him against the world. He soon became your first thought in the morning and your last before you went to sleep. Hell, your father even liked him. In your wildest dreams, you'd never imagine that your most ideal relationship would have such a short shelf life.

But then, it started happening: the passion began fading. Between the considerable drop in phone calls to the obvious increase of his selfishness in bed, you can't help but wonder if his kisses are obligatory in nature. It doesn't even seem as if he likes you on most days. Clearly, you are not appreciated for the confident, sexy woman you used to be.

You really feel a sense of loss now, but you are reluctant to admit to anyone what you fear the most. Could he have distanced himself because you did something to push him away? In public, you acknowledge that you both have fallen into a rut, and you attribute most of the problems to his immature and insensitive behavior. Mostly, you wonder what went wrong. What did you do that turned him off? Are you destined to repeat the same pattern in your next most ideal relationship? If you are unwilling to ask for his honest feedback, be willing to consider the notion that you could have made one or more of the following mistakes.

Relationship Mistake # 1: Your jealousy (even if justified) was unnecessarily and repeatedly put on display. Maybe you were never the jealous type before. There was just something about him and all of those female names in his Blackberry that made you insecure enough to search his Facebook page for evidence- ten times in one hour. Oops! Could he have downloaded some kind of software program that tracked all those visits to his page? Regardless, your relationship with him took you to a very dark place that did quite the number on your self- esteem that he didn't find appealing.

Relationship Mistake # 2: You made him too important: Somehow, you went from the woman who could sit happily in an hour-long silence, easily entertained by her own delicious memories of recent dates to the one who could barely last five minutes without checking her phone for his text? And the crying after two Pinot Noirs- when did that become a common occurrence among friends?

In an effort to please him, you lost a part of yourself. Whether you gave up playing the violin or physically let yourself go, you no longer have some of the very characteristics that sparked his initial attraction. It's okay if you become angry as you start realizing all the ways you sacrificed your individuality for him.

Relationship Mistake # 3: You gave him too much too soon: The physical and emotional intimacy was too much for him. You barely knew each other for twenty- four hours when you disclosed the number of guys you slept with. Then, one thing lead to another. Before you even knew his middle name, your pink toothbrush was permanently renting space next to his own. At first he thought the routine texts and goodnight calls were cute, but now every time you get close he's gasping for air like an asthmatic child.

Get Real: Tricks Are For Kids!

Dear "It" Girl,

I know there are a lot of mixed messages out there about the best ways to achieve success and commitment in romantic relationships. With the diverse perspectives in our movies, magazines, and self- help books, it is likely that you are confused as to how to act with the guys you are dating. (To call or not to call- that is the question?!)

I urge you to resist playing the typical games that so many women are tempted to play in order to get their men to behave properly. Although such tactics may give you the results you want for a short time, they cannot provide you with the relationship you truly want because they are based on deceptive behavior. Do you really want to "trick" someone into liking you? Games should be reserved for rainy days. If you want to get someone to do something, just try a little positive reinforcement. Acknowledging good behavior often leads to more good behavior.

To get what you want from your man, your behavior must be consistent with the true vision you have for your relationship. You must have a vision- even if it is just to have fun and see how things develop! How can you get to where you want to go if you don't know where that location is? Your desired partner must share your vision or no map in the world will help you get there.

Always keep that Law of Attraction in mind. Be who you truly are to get what you truly want.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

It’s Time To Shine: Make The Most Of Your Weekend

Dear "It" Girl,

It's the weekend! What are your plans? If you are like most of the "It" girls I know, your agenda is jam packed with work obligations, personal chores, and lots of social events. Between meeting friends for drinks, family functions, and clocking some quality time with your "It" boy or the most eligible prospects from Match.com, it is hard to find time for a breather.

I am writing to urge you to find that time. To maximize your potential in your work, play, and interpersonal relationships, it is crucial that you have the chance to relax, do nothing, and spend time in "flow". Have you experienced flow? It is true bliss to be engrossed in a hobby, caught up in a book, or even in that zone on a run, drive, or in a yoga position in which you take a vacation from all of problems that you usually come to visit you. If things and people are getting in the way of your flow, you must set some boundaries. Your time is truly valuable. Don't let anyone or anything rob you of your time, stopping you from the life you are meant to be living.

Nurturing your body, mind, and soul will work wonders for your relationship satisfaction. It will put your in a better mood and help you connect more with your partner. Your attitude will be more conducive to problem solving when conflict arises. Yes, as the song goes, sometimes love is a battle field. With rest and self-care, you will be in a better mindset when the inevitable fights occur. You can pick and choose your battles when your mind is clear. Every little smirk will no longer be enough to start a war. It's common sense: If you take care of your own needs first, you will have more of a chance in meeting your partner's needs.

Want a quick tip for allowing yourself to facilitate relaxation when your life becomes too overwhelming? Grab a pen and paper, because it is as simple as creating a list. Set an alarm and allow yourself five good minutes to write down all of your current worries, emotions, frustrations, and things that your must do. When time is up, stop all that chatter in your mind. Go do something that you truly enjoy. Later on, after you are refreshed, you will deal with that list. What are you waiting for? I already gave you permission to have fun. Now run along on your merry way!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Quarter-Life Crisis? Protect Your Relationship

Dear "It" Girl,

So, you just found out the news. Your twenty-something sister "It" girl has a cheating boyfriend. As you comfort her with one Kleenex after the next, feeling sorry for her as you listen to all the scandalous details of the affair, you realize that you are also bummed at the thought of your bi-weekly double dinner dates coming to an end. Then, it occurs to you. An image of your own dear boyfriend uttering those notorious five words- "It's not you, it's me" -pops into your head.

If it happened to her, could it happen to you? You start to panic as you realize you and D have been together for an even shorter period of time, and things between the two of you have been extra tense lately. Before you jump to any conclusions about why her boyfriend cheated when she is so darn perfect or why your own may be tempted, take a look at the big picture. The reasons a man or woman strays are not always so personal. If you've been cheated on before, know that the motivation for an affair is virtually never just you.

Life in the twenty- first century can take its' toll on both young and old relationships. The life cycle transition-which pop psychology regards as the quarter life crisis-can make romantic relationships extra challenging, as both men and women Who doesn't know a twenty something staying in a mindless, dead-end job because he or she needs health insurance? For some, the nine to five misery, coupled with the drastic reduction of privacy after the dreaded move back home, is the perfect recipe for relational disaster. As your boyfriend's company downsizes and your dreams of a cross country road trip go out the window, it is only natural to wonder if this is as good as it gets. Not very romantic, huh?

Try to stay objective about your own relationship, even when all your married friends seem to be divorcing. Above all, work hard with your significant other to prevent it from happening to you. Take home message: Relationships are difficult. Life sometimes gets in the way. You must be proactive about protecting your own.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Are you a distancer or pursuer?

Dear "It" Girl,

If all the world is a stage, you want to play diverse characters. You are a talented woman and can certainly act differently when the script calls for a change in the plot or scenery. In terms of your interpersonal relationships, you can play the roles of both the distancer and pursuer. When it comes to dating and relating to men, don't let yourself be typecast.

Play both roles as it is healthier that way. Sometimes it is good to keep your distance and let the men do what they do best- chase. Other times, you must prove your affection to keep his interest. Fogarty regards the pursuer as someone who has "the false hope that completion lies outside of self". Someone who is purely a female pursuer may continuously chase after a man who distances himself from the relationship. Come on, "It" girl, please tell me you realize that true happiness comes from within. Or at least assure me that you cognitively know that you shouldn't expect anyone (not even Jerry Maguire) to complete you because such would imply that you are broken and that a man could come along and heal your every wound. Don't be that foolish.

Instead, take the time to discover yourself and your true interests and passions. All the experts agree that this is a a pre-requisite for a truly fulfilling romantic relationship. Do you believe it is necessary? Or do you think love will just come knocking at your door when you are sitting around in your "junk" clothes, miserably re-reading He's Just Not That Into You? Well, if by some miracle, Prince Charming does show up at your doorstep, I have total faith that you can make a quick costume change.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

PS: Just don't run after him in your stilettos.

Settle For…MORE!

Dear "It" Girl,

You are too good for this, and you know it! So why do you keep settling for guys who are clearly not of your caliber? It is admirable to stick with a guy who is a diamond in the rough only if he is treating you the way you know you should be treated.

Do you feel stuck in a rut of one "bad boy" after another? Well, think about what keeps attracting you to these emotionally unavailable and increasingly frustrating types. Your default response may be that you like a challenge, but do you really? It may just be what your socialization experiences as a female in today's day and age have led you to believe. (Hint: It may also have to do with your parents!)

Perhaps, there is nothing wrong with you for liking bad boys at all. It is more than likely that you've had your share of men hitting on you and showing interest for seemingly superficial reasons…well…umm..your whole life! Thus, it'd be natural for you to be skeptical of the stereotypical "nice guys" who show their interest and share their affection too quickly. It might be a good idea to try to understand their point of view a little. (They are really just so excited, in their heart of hearts, to be talking to a fabulous lady like you. Can you blame them for not being able to contain their excitement?)

Just open your mind about the type of guys you are willing to give the time of day or you will stay in that pattern of non-relationship-relationships with men who will keep you guessing four years later.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear "It" Girl,

Breaking up with someone is difficult, even if you are the one who ended the relationship. At times, you will miss him and want to contact him, but remember "this too shall pass". If your mind is made up and you are confident that you made the best decision because he a) is not the right guy for you or b) could be the right guy for you but was treating you badly, try to keep the distance.

If you are certain that you two are incompatible and that the reasons to leave outnumber the reasons to stay, move on and don't look back. Just be happy that you cleared the opening for a more suitable match.

On the other hand, if he was misbehaving, he may need the time apart to realize what he is missing. Yes, I know your life isn't a movie, but it is possible he really will run miles and cut through traffic to win you back. Be open to this possibility, but don't expect it to be your reality. If it turns out he doesn't want a relationship with you, don't worry. There is someone else who will.

Above all, have a little faith!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Don’t Be Too Green- Jealousy Is Not In Vogue.

 

Dear "It" Girl,

This is just a simple note to remind you how fabulous you are. Don't let external events and people ever convince you otherwise.

Sure, you've had your moments when you might have felt less than. Who doesn't experience insecurity every now and then?

Jealousy is a powerful and frustrating emotion- try not to let it get in the way of your relationship bliss. I know it's hard when you just had a wonderful night on the town with your new guy and then you find it: a flirty text from the co-worker you knew you should have been suspicious of. Those one hundred sixty characters aren't reason enough to run to Barnes& Noble to research how to deal with workplace infidelity.

Don't get caught up in all the messages from the dominant culture that will make your head spin: All men are not tempted to cheat. Your new boyfriend and his "friend" are not Wayne and Grace of The Mentalist. Yes, sparks can fly between co-workers bonding over the emotional nature and stress of messy legal battles. It could really just be a platonic friendship-even if she is almost as pretty as you.

Word of advice: Keep an eye on the nature of the relationship between your man and his fashionable new work buddy, but don't assume the worst. If it is just an innocent friendship, he should be able to introduce you to her. It is likely that open communication about your feelings and such a meeting will even strengthen your relationship.

Just try to keep the jealousy to the minimum. This is one time that being green is not in vogue.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Power Couples

Dear "It" Girl,

In my pervious entry, I referenced your desire to be half of an influential, high-powered couple. I just wanted to let you know it is okay if you actually don't picture yourself in a power couple that even slightly resembles Brad and Angelina, Posh and Becks, or President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama.

Not all "It" girls are created equal, and some of you may fall for the guy next door with potential. The majority of you, however, will gravitate toward the men who have made it-and made it big. As social psychologists confirm, like attracts like when it comes to relationships. Thus, the "It" boys will be more likely to make a debut at your dinner party. Chances are, they will even have enough appeal to keep you entertained long after the dishes are done.

Being an exception to the rule via not conforming to the researcher's notion of the type of man you should desire does not necessarily imply you have a problem- but sometimes it does. Regardless, it'd be interesting to do a little self exploration to see why you tend to choose or refuse partners of comparable style, class, and clout.

If you have a history of dating guys who your friends and family consider "beneath" you, don't automatically assume that their jealousy is fueling attempts to sabotage your relationship bliss. It is likely that those who know you well could see a pattern that you are blind to. Then again, they could be totally wrong.

If you seem to have an aversion to joining a power couple, ask yourself the following questions:

-Have you been in a past relationship with a top-earning, high-powered career man that has left a sour taste in your mouth and is influencing your choice in current prospects?

- Are you worried that an "It" boy will overshadow you, be too competitive, or become intimidated by your success?

- Do you think you deserve a man of high status?

Do your best to reflect upon these questions and you will reap the benefits. After all, true power, comes from self-awareness.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

A Letter of Introduction

Dear "It" Girl,

Hey there. I know who you are. You are smart, beautiful, stylish, popular, ambitious, and on your way to taking over the world-or at least your industry! You want the good life, the fairy tale romance, and the girlfriend getaways that'd make anyone greener than a hundred dollar bill. Well, this blog is for you.

I've wanted to write to you for quite some time, but I had some doubts- as many of our sister "It" girls do. You see, although I am no stranger to the blogosphere (You can check out my other blogs at www.realbeautyis.com/ and www.loverelationshipsandmore.com/ ), this is officially my very first, personal blog written from my perspective as a Marriage & Family Therapist and Relationship Coach.

I always knew my blogs would have to be true reflections of who I am, written for readers that I can deeply relate to. It was initially difficult for me to commit to a focus on you ladies- those who I'd most likely share common ground, tears, laughs, hopes, experiences, challenges, and Cosmos with- because I am actually lucky enough to be able to relate to a lot of people.

Okay, so, I wasn't born that way! I credit my education and the nature of my work for allowing me to understand many diverse clients. Indeed, I enjoy working with and writing for those of all ages, races, genders, classes, and sexual orientations. Since I want to help everyone, I debated whether or not my blog should be "No Boys Allowed". Full disclosure: I thought about including your male counterparts, the other halves of the power couples that you are (or soon will be) a part of. (Lord knows men need help too!) I ultimately decided that ladies first is my best approach, as helping you will create a ripple effect which will naturally help them too.

After all, women are the essence of life, and everyone benefits when we let our feminine energy shine through. Unfortunately, it is all too often that we are under the influence of a society that drags us down and keeps many of our powers untapped.

The goal of "Dear It Girl: Love Rachel Russo, A Marriage & Family Therapist/Relationship Coach/Writer" is to change that. Through intelligent, challenging, and thought-provoking posts, I hope to shake things up a bit and improve the ways that you love, work, live, and play.

Mostly, it is through me being me that I hope to inspire you being you.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT