How to avoid a Stage 5 Clinger

Dear "It" Girl,

Don't let Vince Vaughn's character in The Wedding Crashers fool you: Stage 5 Clingers aren't always females! As an "It" girl, you have most likely experienced the frustration that results from interacting with a man who gets overly attached- too fast and too soon.

It's hard to believe such men like you for you when they barely know you but profess their feelings via texts, calls, and emails just weeks (or days!) after you've met. Most likely, you'll consider such to be hopeless romantics who get the same excitement over every new woman they wish to court. If you'd like room to breathe in a new relationship, you will have to assess for clingy-ness quickly. An hour into Date # 1 is all you need to determine the following:

Does he have a life? He'll be less likely to invade your boundaries if he's "got it going on". If he's unemployed, doesn't have many friends, and has no hobbies, proceed at your own risk!

Does he seem to have major trust issues? You can spot these guys right away. Within the first half hour of your date, they will say that women are evil/psycho and that all their ex girlfriends cheated on them. If he's never learned to trust women, he'll have difficulty trusting you. His insecurity will prompt his desire to keep you at arm's length.

Does he have really low self esteem? This is often obvious, although some men put on a good show. If he doesn't believe he's good enough to keep you around, he'll constantly worry that you'll leave him. He'll do everything to pursue you so that he can validate his own ego. Yes, you are a prize! (His reasoning: If he wins you over, he must be too!) If he's a true catch, he'll muster up a little self respect and keep the clingy-ness in check.

In sum, if you encounter a boring man with low self esteem who can't trust women, beware- you could have a Stage 5 Clinger!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

When he changes his mind “like a girl changes clothes”: Make up his mind for him!

Dear “It” Girl,

You know that Katy Perry song, right? (No, not the one about the taste of Cherry Chapstick!)

The chorus goes like this:
“'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up”

In my opinion, in the long run, the only fun of mixing hot and cold involves jumping from a hot tub to a pool! When it comes to relationships, there should be no place for such confusion.

If you are with a seemingly great guy whose main flaw is that he can’t make up his mind about you, make it up for him! You do not deserve to be ignored one minute and cherished the next.

You can let your boy feign confusion. I stress feign, because he is probably perfectly clear on the ratio of the time that he spends happy to the time he spends annoyed with you. He is clear on whether or not he wants commitment or wants his freedom. He knows if he likes you more or less than the other girl he is trying to hook up with. Don’t risk your self esteem and sanity- Stop letting him play you like that, “It” Girl!

The bottom line is: If he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, you should have no confusion. Your options are open. They should be open until you, he, and, or someone else decides you both should be exclusive. No hot. No cold. Consider you and this man luke warm.
Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

The (losing) battle of trying to “fix” your man

Dear “It” Girl,

Do you have a pattern of dating men with more baggage than the baggage claim area at JFK Airport? Did you ever ask yourself why you attract people who trigger the “rescuer” in you and facilitate your baseline of therapist mode?
Well, you can look at your relationships with good ol’ Mom and Dad, figure out your imago by doing the exercises in Harville Hendrix’ s Getting The Love You Want, or go deeper with a counselor who is trained in Imago Therapy. Want to start with a smaller dose? For a shot of common sense, read my article “The (losing) battle of trying to “fix” your man”.

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-16349-NY-New-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m10d25-The-losing-battle-of-trying-to-fix-your-man

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

PS: This article can also be found in my group discussion on "Find & Keep True Love" on Beauties on The Go. You don't have to be a member to view it. Check it out here: http://beautiesonthego.ning.com/group/relationships/forum/topics/the-losing-battle-of-trying-to

Should men always pay on first dates?

Dear “It” Girl,

Flipping through this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan, I chuckled as I came across the comments of E’s Chelsea Lately on dating. “Men who want to split the bill on the first date do not deserve penetration,” she says! (And you wonder if she is she implying that if they buy you dinner they do!?!)

As an “It” girl, you know that dinner is not the currency for prostitution. You are smart enough to decide who you’d like to engage in sexual activity with and when you feel comfortable doing so. You judge your men on a case by case basis, and ideally, you never judge a book by its’ cover.

Should the-who- pays- on- a- first -date issue be a question today in these economic hard times? Does it matter if you are a proud feminist? Is the man not a gentleman or remotely dateworthy if he doesn’t foot the bill? What about if you make more money than your date? For you to decide, my dears. Here is what I know to be true:

Proper etiquette: Whoever asks, pays. Men mostly ask, men mostly pay.

As a woman, you do not owe a paying man anything. He is paying for the potential pleasure of your company.

Generally, a good man likes a challenge and wants to feel he has won over his woman. While some say offering to pay on a first date is a nice gesture, it may send him the unconscious message that you are making it too easy for him.

Letting him pay can communicate your self-confidence. It shows that you know you are worth the expense.

One of those most important things to consider is this:

If you don’t expect him to woo you in the beginning, you shouldn’t expect him to woo you later on after he’s already “got” you, your feelings, your loyalty. If splitting the bill was fine for the first eight months, he will have a hard time being convinced why he should start paying for everything. Many people believe the man should cover all expenses in the beginning of the courtship, and the woman should start contributing later on. If you want to do this (or have a gold digger streak and just want him to keep paying), you must do what my Grandma LuLu would say: “Train him right from the beginning”.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

The joys of being proactive with men!

Dear “It" Girl,

We women can sure invest a lot of our precious time discussing, complaining, and venting about the men in our lives. We talk about what they are doing, what they aren’t doing, who we want them to be, and who we are hoping they won’t become.
Is it doing us any good in terms of making positive changes in our relationships? For most, that answer is both yes and no. Yes, ladies, such “man talk” with friends can be like therapy, promoting considerable change, but if you aren’t willing to act, you aren’t going to get the results you want.

It is my belief that women generally need to be more proactive when dealing with men. When looking for potential boyfriend/hubby material, we ladies sometimes need to swallow our pride and ditch the gender expectations. We do have to let men chase, but if we really want healthy, satisfying relationships, we must make ourselves vulnerable at times. This may mean initiating eye contact with a cute stranger, calling the guy who you really liked but never heard from after date number two , or sending out more than just winks to potential matches on Match.com. If we are already in a relationships, it may mean telling them exactly what we want instead of hoping they’ll guess.

Our love lives are one heck of a journey with inevitable bumps along the road. We always have the choice to be in the driver’s seat or remain in the passenger seat. The healthiest relationships are a mix of both, but ultimately we need to have some control of where things are going. If things get messed up, we can always turn around. Being proactive will better help us enjoy the ride-wherever it may lead us!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

If life is a wrestling match, love wins!

Dear "It" Girl,

As you know, modern day life can be quite difficult at times. Do your days feel like a struggle in which you are constantly rushing from point A to point B, trying to make a buck in a tough economy, while squeezing all your social obligations and errands in a day? Do you ever want to throw your Blackberry out the window, cringing at the thought of just one more email to answer?

You are not alone. Most of us feel overwhelmed, overworked, underpaid, and yes-underlaid!Blessed, yet stressed. There are all these relationships we have to deal with that often make things even harder. Booty calls.Seeing each other. Dating. Friends with Benefits. Committed relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend. Husband/Wife. Ex this, ex that! When sitting on the rocking chairs of our future, we will probably stop to think that we spent a lot of time talking about all that "love stuff".

Mitch Albom from Tuesdays with Morrie could relate:

"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
"So which side wins?" I ask.
"Which side wins?"
He smiled at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."

Yes, that's the right idea indeed. Love wins. There is always an opportunity to love. Love everyone from the guy who serves your Java Chip Frap at Starbucks to the guy who followed up three weeks after the first date.

Just love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Exciting news for my employers, Master Matchmakers! (You will like this!)

Dear “It” Girl,

Today, I am sharing some good news with you. I’m proud to announce that I am officially back working with one of my old matchmaking companies, Master Matchmakers, since last week.(Yes, the second time is a charm!)

I am working with JoAnn & Steve Ward, as well as the rest of the team as a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach for NYC and the surrounding area.

Yes, my bosses are the stars of VH1’s Tough Love Show, and the second season will be out next month. We have very exciting things lying ahead for the company. Make sure you stay tuned, as I will update you here. Check out our website at www.mastermatchmakers.com . You can always learn more about our services by contacting me directly.

Also, if you are interested in JoAnn & Steve’s new book, A Crash Course In Love, you can order it here. http://books.simonandschuster.com/Crash-Course-in-Love/JoAnn-Ward/9781439177334/excerpt_with_id/14944

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Textsfromlastnight.com inspires first date advice!

Dear “It” Girl,

Last week, someone on Textsfromlastnight.com wrote:

(845): I'm ******* him on the second date. I don't give a **** what Patti Stanger says.

To each her own, huh? Perhaps, you too have ignored the dating “rules” from such relationship experts-which often boil down to no sex, drunken stupors, or ex-talk on the first few dates. Maybe your non conformity has found you the love of your life or maybe its given you a Cosmo-worthy mishap that made the guy go MIA.
If you prefer dating advice that is not so black and white and would fancy some general guidelines for handling things on a first date, check out the rest of this article by copying the following text to your browser

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-16349-NY-New-Relationships-Examiner~y2009m10d13-Practical-first-date-advice-for-men-and-women

Love, Rachel Russo, MS MFT

Your Man: A Priority or Option?

Dear “It” Girl,

As you probably know by now, I am a big fan of quotations. Lately, I have been meeting with a lot of women who are caught up in relationships with guys they really shouldn’t be. These men are often the “player” types who are not able to give them the sort of attention that they desire.
For such women, a quote from Sheryl Argov’s bestselling book Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship comes to mind.

“Do not make someone your priority while allowing yourself to remain his option”.
Indeed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping your options open, so you should seek to understand and not hate on the man who does. For many men and women alike, it is a beautiful and necessary thing that can provide worthwhile learning experiences one hundred times over.

However, men might be from Mars and women from Venus but when it comes to clarifying the nature of our relationships, we should all be on the same page.
If you are an option; he needs to be an option. That is all there is to it.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Warning: Do NOT date this guy!

Dear "It" Girl,

Some say love is blind, and others say it is the willingness to see past the beloved’s flaws. If you’ve just started a new relationship and are in the infatuation stage, it is likely that you don’t even want flaws to enter your line of vision. If you reflect back on your past relationships, however, you may realize that the red flags were there all along. It’s difficult to want to recognize the signs that someone you just started dating is actually not a suitable partner for you. Work past that. If you wait until you are in love, you may find yourself in a long term relationship with someone you don’t even like! The types of men of men who are bound to get under your skin:

1. Mr. Unsatisfied: Is your new man never happy with where he is at? Look for signs of impatience and the inability to enjoy the moment. Is he looking over your shoulder for the hottest girl in the club? It won’t be long be for he becomes unsatisfied with you. Don’t waste your time trying to please someone who can never be pleased.

2. Mr. I Won’t Commit: Yes, these George Clooney types are appealing and fun to date at first. Be careful though, because the more you are with him, the more you will want what he can’t give you. If he says he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship, don’t think you can change him. (You’ll have just as much of a chance as you would on a quest to turn a gay man straight.) If you do choose to stick this out, be prepared for guaranteed frustration when asking him to do anything from call you at a certain time to make dinner plans four hours in advance.

3. Mr. I Have No Idea What I Want To Do With My Life: Many men need to figure out their life's purpose or at least find a job that they don't hate before they are ready to put the effort into a serious relationship with you. These types can be a bit scattered, as they are trying so desperately to find out who they are. They are good guys in disguise, but the potential for disliking them is very real, unless you have a thing for starving artists.

5. Mr. Addict: It doesn’t matter whether he fancies booze or another drug of choice; if he has a serious addiction, you will always feel like you are competing for his time and his hear. Mr. Addict is emotionally unavailable and needs to figure out why he’s trying to escape his pain. He doesn’t even love himself. What makes you think he’ll love you?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Advice for saying goodbye

Dear "It" Girl,

My self-proclaimed Sex & The City month on this blog officially comes to an end today. I am sad to see it go, but look forward to the new beginning that October promises.

Do you feel the same way as you transition into new phases of your life, saying goodbye to old friends and lovers, and hello to others?

Out pasts are always meaningful, and our futures are open books waiting to be written; but as it has been said before, the real gift is the present. Life is really best when lived in the moment.

It's nearly impossible to live in the moment when you are attached to yesterdays past. Saying goodbye can be very hard, especially for the more sentimental among us. One last quote, compliments of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw, to help you get through:

“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breath and reboot.”

Here's to rebooting!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT