New Year, New Man: Nope. Not if you do this, sister!

Dear "It" Girl,

I had a college professor at Rutgers who always said "And if you learn nothing else this semester, learn this…….." . So I'll take a stab at it myself for those who are hoping to make positive changes in their love lives for 2010. If you forget all of the insight that this blog provided since I started it in July 2009, remember this:

"If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always have what you've always got."

Simple concept, huh? Yet change is no piece of cake, my It girls; so take baby steps every day. If you want to make this your year to find and maintain a relationship with someone special and worthy of your love, you are going to have to analyze your life and figure out the things that are preventing you from finding him. (And if you need help, I'm still taking on new Relationship Coaching clients with Master Matchmakers!)

For a lot of women, this eye-opening process results in an easy solution: literally opening their eyes. You know, those two big brown things that are always glued to the Blackberry? Ladies, you are not approachable when you are walking on the street yapping away on your cell phones, with your head buried in a book at Starbucks, with your hands folded across your chest at the bar, or your Ipod in constant use on the train. You say you want to meet a man, but judging by your behavior, it is no wonder you are spending another NYE alone!

I recently met a woman who told me she refuses to meet a man through friends (embarrassing), at a bar (low lives), at work (too risky), online (desperate), or in a supermarket (unrealistic). She's a prime candidate for coaching if I ever saw one.

If you have a similar mentality, I promise you the only place you'll meet a quality man is in your dreams. Get over yourself. Does it really matter where you meet him? Isn't the whole point that you met someone you really like/love. If you are scared to tell people your-how-we-met-story, you can always lie. (But the Match.com cover up stories are so 2009.)

For 2010, resolve that you will be proactive about meeting men. Take the bull by the horns, and write me an email telling me your (true) how we met story.

Best Wishes for a prosperous new year!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS,MFT

Are you fed up with American boys and considering a Eurodate?

Dear "It" Girl,

In a world of globalization, should you date locally or expand your potential for finding Mr. Right by dating people from other countries who have settled in the US?

Although research shows most people actually do best with those who are most like them in relationships and my own experience working with couples proves that cultural differences can be difficult to overcome, there are indeed benefits of courtship with a man born overseas. Such may include the ability to learn a different way of life and language or travel to a different country.

Currently, I am doing research for an article I am writing on the differences between European and American dating, as I have encountered a good number of Americans in NYC dating Europeans. An American considering a Eurodate may benefit from learning a thing or two before stepping out with her foreigner. If you want him to have the passion we Americans associate with Europe-for more than just food and wine and maybe for you-consider the fact that European men appreciate ladies who act like ladies and appreciate their culture.

Thus far, I have learned that Europeans are generally more relaxed about dating and do not subscribe to the "rules" that many Americans follow in the dating game regarding appropriate time frames for sexual activity and monogamy or even who pays. (You wouldn't really hear of a "three date rule" in Europe or be horrified by a man who let a woman split the tab.) This is not to say that all Europeans are less formal and more liberal in terms of dating. In fact, compared to Americans, in some ways they are not. Often, they are not as open to dating several people casually as Americans do. Generally, they are more likely to meet through friends at a dinner party and even look strongly down upon dating someone one met in a bar in say, France. A lot of times, they date to get into a relationship- often right away. For instance, in England, there really isn't much of a dating trend, and accepting a dinner invitation from a man implies commitment! However, traditions vary by region, and there are always exceptions to the rule.

Speaking of rules, if you are American, you probably want one right now, and I'll leave you with this. You my readers, tend to lead fabulously full and career oriented city lives. On one hand this is great, because a European man will love a cultured, diverse woman with many interests, but if your career is your main interest, you may not be his match made in heaven. European men and women don't typically define themselves by their careers in the way lots of Northeast Coast Americans do, and he might be insulted if your first question is "What do you do?". Take a more relaxed approach in the early stages of dating a European if you love your work but also have other interests. Even if you are really into your career, you don't have to create the dynamic of a job interview. Lighten up a little and you'll be on your way to Eurodate number two!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Actually, this guy is a lot cooler than the one you are dating.

Dear "It" Girl,

So, I know this guy. I guess you could say that he's "got it goin on". Not only is he smart and funny, but he's physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially secure. He's cute too. A man of his word, he calls when he says he will and follows through with the plans he makes. Although he's never short on compliments for the lucky ladies in his life, his actions always speak louder than his words. He's not afraid of his feelings, and he's generous with affection whether in the form of a hug, kiss, comforting smile, or thoughtful gift. And guess what? He thinks YOU are the most beautiful woman in the world.

And you are not dating him because……………..?????

Ah, you "settled" for the one you are with. Was it because of your own loneliness or insecurity? Did you really think he was as good as you were going to get?

Yes, I understand. We females as a collective whole have been suffering from low self esteem, body image issues, and anxiety over men with wandering eyes since the beginning of civilization. Now, as we approach 2010, women- especially twenty something women who may be eager to marry and pop out babies- have a whole new deck of cards to play with. Between the normalization of casual sex, society's thumbs up to men dating pumas and cougars, and the threat modern day technology poses for monogamy, relationship insecurity among women runs as rampant as STDs on a college campuses.

However, if you were dating a guy like this guy I know, you'd be more likely at ease in your relationship and less likely to alternate between eating potato chips alone and sobbing into your boyfriend pillow on Saturday nights. With the approach of the new year, it is time to take a relationship inventory. Does your current guy meet your basic needs? Is he capable of giving you what you want today or tomorrow or are you starving for more?

You feel like you are missing out on some of the courses, huh? Yeah, he is definitely cooler than the one you are dating. Are you going to do something about it?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“Tell your boyfriend your cab driver said: “Dude, you hit the jackpot!””.

Dear "It" Girl,

Today on my way to meeting one of my loveliest relationship coaching clients, I had an encounter with a man who is probably the loveliest taxi driver in all of NYC. After I exited the cab thinking this was the best ten dollars ever spent on transportation, I was energized from the conversation he engaged me in. We covered everything from our lifes' missions to our love lives to his penchant for Scientology in the short cross-town ride. After I exited the car, he rolled down the window and shouted "Tell your boyfriend that your cab driver said: "Dude, you hit the jackpot!"".

I share this special anecdote with you, "It" Girl, not to flaunt my own incredibly "It" Girl status, but to inspire you to share your own unique, radiance with those all around you. Talking to new people and being open to what they can offer you- and more importantly what you can offer them- can add so much richness and love to your life.

Remember that every single interaction we have provides us with the chance to support or put down another. We many not intentionally try to hurt others, but our own negative energy can drain people at times. Cultivating opportunities that build up and inspire others ensures that you will get what you give.

It is my sincere hope that you too will walk out of a cab one day feeling that it was actually you who hit the jackpot!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

But can you have fun with him on the 6 hour flight?

Dear "It" Girl,

Tom Arnold once said "It's easy to enjoy each other while on vacation in Maui. The key is to find someone you can have fun with during the six hour flight over there." I could not agree more! If you've found a guy you can have a great time with no matter what the circumstances are, you have found yourself a keeper. Worst case scenarios-from flat tires to emergency room visits-have a way of strengthening a couple's bond. Sometimes the days that we try so hard to make the most enjoyable don't turn out to be half as meaningful as those unplanned ones in which things go terribly wrong . This certainly applies to the holiday season. If you are looking for advice on how to inspire a happy love life at this most wonderful time of the year, check out my recently published article The Holidays: The Dating Do's & Don'ts To Keep Your Love Life Jolly"http://www.paramuspost.com/article.php/20091209100424410.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Ready For Something Real? Commit To Finding Love-With Him Or Without Him

Dear "It" Girl,

There is a pre-requisite for finding true love, and that is defined as the realization that you are ready to give and receive love freely. A lot of times, women are great on the giving part but come up short on the receiving end. This is often because they choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, incapable of loving, or unwilling to commit to a serious relationship.

An "It" girl does not commit to a man. She commits to finding love in the form of a great relationship with someone who cares about her just as much as she cares about him. She may be rooting for the man she is committed to, but mostly she roots for her own potential of finding love-with him or without him. She knows it's not about getting the perfect guy, but getting the kind of relationship she desires. An "It" Girl realizes that love does not always fit neatly in a Tiffany's box and is open to being patient with a good man who needs a bit of a nudge but still deserves a chance. When his time is up, an "It" girl is strong enough to get rid of the man who doesn't love her and look forward to loving the one who does. She knows in her heart that she deserves and can find true love.

If you don't quite fit the description of the "It" girl, it's okay. As a wise man once said " If all you can do is crawl, crawl." Just put your intention for true love out into the Universe and act in ways that will bring it to you. Perhaps you'll find it with the one you are with or with someone new who is eagerly waiting to meet someone just like you!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

“The Holidays”: A challenge for the single, the dating, and the committed

Dear "It" Girl,

Well, today marks the second time I heard Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" on the radio this week. It's official: "The holidays" are here! Along with the presents, the stockings, and the menorahs, come relational problems for many couples. The December issue of Cosmopolitan magazine provides some insight as to why this most jolly time is one that inspires break-ups among many women and their significant others. (It has to do with an overall crankiness due to a lack of Vitamin D, and overabundance of food, drink, and time spent cooped up in the house together.)

My thoughts on why the holidays create so much drama have to do with the expectations women have that are often unrealistic in nature. (Okay, men have them to, but it is stereotypically women who have gripes about what their men are doing or aren't doing during the holidays.)

I am currently working on an article for The Paramus Post that highlights the challenges for the single, the dating, and the committed. I will offer strategies to help all-from combating loneliness, to managing expectations, to reducing conflict. Perhaps, you have some of your own stories and tips for how you've survived holidays past with your dignity and/or relationship in tact. If so, drop me an email at RachelR2019@gmail.com. If your suggestions are really extraordinary, maybe I'll even quote you in the article.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS. MFT

What Men Want

Dear "It" Girl,

Don't rack your brain trying to figure out what men want, because it is really quite simple! Sure, I know the inside scoop from my five years spent working in the dating industry, but the average Jane can figure it out after a relationship or two.

To put it really simply, what men actually want can be summed up in three magic words: hot best friend.

Since I like threes, I'll give you three tips to be the best friend (and girlfriend!) he's ever had.

The following makes Jack a very happy man:

1.Keep him sexually occupied. If he's going to commit to you, he can't feel like he's missing out on other women. Thankfully, you do not need to be a porn star to keep a man satisfied in the sack. A little technique and a lot of enthusiasm can go a long way.

2. Have fun with the guy. You should be able to make him smile with the snap of a finger. Keep your dates light, fun, and drama free and he'll keep coming back for more.

3. Stand by your man. You need to be his friend and confidant. Show him you support him and you'll be the first he calls with news good or bad. Love him for who he is and not for the money, the cars, or the clothes. Be there when he needs a hug.

Seriously, it's as simple as that!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT