Why it is Jan. 4th and you already broke your New Year’s Resolution for your love life

Dear "It" Girl,

You didn't even make it to the first work day of 2010 before you broke the New Year's Resolution you made for your love life, huh? You are not alone. Despite our best intentions to act only in ways that will allow us attract, give, and receive love in the new year, many "It" girls have already done something that contradicted their goals. Whether your "sin" involved going back to an ex or telling a lie to the man you are currently dating, you had a moment of weakness. Before you let yourself fall into more moments that will push love farther away from your door, allow yourself to take a moment to analyze what is preventing you from making the changes you desire.

Are you actually afraid of intimacy? You resolved to find and maintain a serious relationship, but have you unconsciously chosen men who are emotionally unavailable and will never be able to give you the level of relating that you desire? Are you staying with them and/or already attracting new men just like them? Have you found a man who is capable of such, but keep doing things to push him away?

Are you failing to live your truth? Have you not accepted the reality of your situation? Have you compromised your values? What makes you keep lying to your man and yourself? Perhaps, you think you aren't lying, but merely withholding some information. Guess what? You are lying. Remember what Robert Louis Stevenson said: "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Do you fail to understand what it takes to change? You have failed if you have not created a concrete plan for sticking to your intentions. Perhaps, you have failed because you haven't truly figured out what you need to do to be that person with the capacity to love. You need a plan of action to keep you on track-to keep your mindset healthy and strong.

Did you break your resolution because you wanted to? This is an indication that you are not ready to change. You won't change until you want to, and even then, you might not change. You have to be 100 percent committed to your goal. It's hard to leave an unsatisfying relationship when you still love the guy or start a new routine when you aren't fully sold on the benefits of what you are doing. You broke your resolution because you fooled yourself into thinking you wanted to change before you were ready.

If you can say "yes," to any of these questions, a little soul searching would be the doctor's order. Perhaps, you need some new, New Year's Resolutions. Maybe you need to reevaluate or strategize. Just don't give up!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT