“And this is how you get a guy…”

Dear "It" Girl,

It was nearly two years ago when I first uttered those words to my sister, on the way to the N train, as we approached the enormous escalator after the passageway between NYC's Port Authority and Times Square Subway Station. I proceeded to do what I'd done many times before: On cue, I routinely drop my two piece- luggage on the floor and waited for a well-meaning gentleman to take notice. Sure enough, within seconds, he came to help carry those heavy bags up the escalator. And there you have it: A great example of a wonderful relational dynamic between man and woman. Evidence in my belief that in existence is an array of kind-hearted men more than happy to help women like myself go about their everyday life.

On the contrary, many women today think chivalry is dead. Indeed, my own faith has wavered-most recently, just across the river, in Hoboken, where the frat boy types have no qualms about aggressively pushing their way through a group of women. Yet, I encounter the breed of man who pulls out chairs and opens doors more often than not, because I believe they exist. You can too!

To begin with, you must believe men helping women is actually good for society and heterosexual (and homosexual!) relationships of all kinds. I know- you can carry your own damn luggage. (Believe me, I can too if absolutely necessary!) You don't like to appear weak or seemingly dependent on men. The feminist in you may even see it as a contribution to society's imbalance of power. After all, you don't want men to think you "need" them or even worse that you "owe" them something for their help! Men are supposed to be like the accessories that enhance the outfit-not the outfit, right?

Well, if you'd like a man to take care of you, you must get over some of those destructive beliefs. (And who among us wouldn't honestly want that in some way?! Even the ice queens know they'd benefit from men being nice to them!) Men like to help. It makes them feel manly. They want to make your life easier. They'll even like you better if you allow them to do favors for you. (Studies show that this is true for both men and women who do favors- they like the person they are helping more!) It is okay to let them do some things for you. (Just don't take it to the extreme!) Don't forget to reinforce good behavior.

"And this," my dear hearts, "is how you get a guy"!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT