The He Said/She Said on Women who are Annoying Clichés!

Dear "It" Girl,

When on a first date, if there is one thing to avoid-other than garlic- it is being an annoying cliché! In a world in which there are plenty of fish in the sea, men know that they have their options in terms of dating. They don't have to put up with bad behavior from you when there is another girl around the corner who will treat them differently or be more appealing.

It is to your advantage to understand male psychology, especially the psychology of the particular man you are trying to date! (The good news is, a lot of men are more alike than different in some of the ways that they communicate and see the world. Thus, it should not be toooo difficult to figure your own out!) The idea is to do more of what he likes and less of what he dislikes-without compromising who you are.

One thing nearly all of my male clients tell me is that they don't like to feel like they are on a job interview on a first date. (I.e. Women who do this are annoying clichés!) When women ask things like "Is there opportunity for growth in your career?," men think they might as well just being wearing a sign on their heads that reads "gold digger". (And a lot of women make this mistake!) Now, since you are an "It" girl, I know that a man's career/education level and income-which is often reflective of this- is probably important to you. However, making men feel that it is of primary importance is never a good idea. It makes them think you are after them for their money and not valuing who they are. It makes you an annoying cliché.

Don't believe me and my "She said" version of this story.

Well, here is the "He said". These words straight from the mouth of my male guest blogger, Chris Stokes, in response to my January 29^th blog. Here's his take on the subject:

"I have found that many people especially when they are getting to know someone often refer to the protocol of generic questioning. These questions are not only annoying, but an often time makes an individual feel as though they are being interrogated. In a world whereby one seeks to be the one that "stands out" imposing such generic questions can lead one to believe you are not unique and perhaps rigid within society's norms. The questions that are truly worth avoiding include: What do you do for a living? Where do you see yourself in the future? Where did you go to school? Although these are all important questions, they hinder an individual in their quest to truly get to know the other person. Employment, education and even future ambitions/endeavors are all variables that can be altered and inevitable change if the person so wishes. Not to mention, if you're truly a good listener and communicator these are all questions that will be answered through conversation and open dialogue within time. Coincidently, an individual's character, personality and moral compass are variables that are seemingly constant/unchangeable. In some instance you may be able to tweak such unchangeable variables but never entirely and only if the person truly desires change. Coincidently, many of times we venture into relationships for the wrong reasons which ultimately lead to disappointment and a stigma we carry into future relationships. If you get to know an individual's character, personality and their moral beliefs, this will surely aid in creating a strong foundation to build a relationship off of. Hint: If you don't share the same beliefs, values and morals as your partner you will have a daunting task in maintaining and raising a family because you will always clash on what is "right" and what is "wrong"."

Now ladies, you may not agree with all Chris has to say, but I included his quote because it is helpful for us to gain insight on how men think. It is always beneficial to know about the perceptions and judgments they make from the ways in which you present yourself.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT