5 Lessons on Love - From (Gasp!) Reality TV

Dear "It" Girl,

Sometimes, there are uniquely valuable lessons to be learned from (gasp) reality tv! Case in point: VH1's Tough Love Couples, whose Season Finale aired this evening. I sit on the edge of my seat-just like the countless other viewers throughout the country tonight- as I waited to see how the story would unfold for the five couples who made it through the "boot camp" of my bosses, Steve and Jo Ann Ward.

I think these young couples who share their vulnerability and relational issues with the world should all be commended for their courage to give their relationships a fair chance. To come to a decide whether they should make up or break up-for good- on national television nonetheless- is no easy task! As Steve Ward says on the show: "Relationships are not light switches. Make a decision already!" If you are an "It" girl struggling with your own on again off again relationship or just at the point where it's only healthy to decide whether a relationship that's been on should stay on or fade to black, learn from the experiences of the couples on this show.

In my opinion, some of the take home messages are as follows:

Sometimes "you just know" when things are meant to be from the very start. Take Larry and Heather: He says he knew she was his soul mate from the moment he layed eyes on her. They had to get through a lot of crap first from frequent fighting to dealing with the ex factor, but they both emerged from boot camp confident that marriage is what they wanted. By the way, I think every girl wants a guy to look at her the way Larry looked at Heather when she walked down that pseudo aisle in her dress.

Sometimes it's too late. Meet Dustin and Courtney. High school sweethearts together for eight years. Eight years of conflict that have left them feeling more like roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend. When they came to boot camp, she was ready for commitment, and he was the less invested partner. In the end, they did a role reversal. I believe that Courtney made the best decision she could have made. Too much damage had been done, as the trust was gone. Despite their best efforts in boot camp, she realized the relationship was toxic for her. She broke up with Dustin to find herself again. I could not have been prouder of her ability to let go of the guy she loved but clearly outgrew. Courtney had the guts to be true to herself. As Steve rationalizes, if it is meant to be in the end, it will be. (Oh and as for Ryan and Axelle, who got booted off of a boot camp a few episodes back, sometimes it is really too late. Thank God, they had this experience to help them dodge the many bullets that their volatile relationship would have brought. May their relationship rest in peace!)

Nothing can stand in the way of true love. Not a commitment phobe, not a meddling mom, not a prior broken off engagement to the same person! Awww, Dennis and Simone. You could just feel the love! They were both glowing after his proposal. Dennis had a calm air of confidence about him. He knew he made the right decision to ask Simone to marry him, because all his fears were gone. When you remove relationship threats and work on your selves as a couple to the point that you have no fears, like this couple did, you know in your heart of hearts that you will live happily ever after.

With her consistent support and acceptance, a woman has the power to make her non-committal boy realizes he's in love and man the hell up! Pawell and Danielle came to boot camp with a lot of issues, namely a lack of communication about problems and a severe lack of intimacy. They were both afraid of commitment, in denial about their relationship, and needed to work very hard at renewing their romance. His speech was heart warming- an inspiration to every woman who is holding on to hope with her diamond in the rough! He can do it ladies, and he needs your encouragement!

When you truly are in love with someone, you sacrifice your own desires to make him or her happy. In essence, both Mario and Christina both did the same thing. Clearly, she was the one who wanted marriage more. I never doubted Mario loved her like he has never loved anyone before, but he had some serious doubts to get past. As a couple, they had a very unhealthy dynamic and their growth was tremendous. In the end he puts on the tuxedo, because he knows she wants commitment. He knows he should give it to her because he loves her too much to lose her. Interestingly enough, Christina does not put on the dress. In the final episodes, she says she doesn't want to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to be engaged to her. She gives up on her dream to be with Mario to make him happy- even though a break up is not what she wants. Dramatically, he comes through and proposes to her! Yes, love is patient and love is kind, after all. They still have challenges to overcome-a peek at the extra follow up episode reveals that- and I really hope they can make it.

Do you agree with these relationship lessons? Which do you need to apply to your own love life?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT