Mr. -“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”-On-Steroids and other men to avoid while (speed) dating!

Dear "It" Girl,

So as you may know from a previous blog entry, I attended the Master Matchmakers/ Purple Lab Speed dating event this past Friday in Hoboken, NJ. In addition to enjoying the snacks, drinks, samples (most especially my new Purple Lab lip gloss), and conversations with men and women I recruited for our service, I made some observations at this world's-largest-speed-dating event that I'd like to share.

The consensus was that speed dating is a fun and unique way to meet dates. However, some people thought three minutes was not enough to assess romantic interest in potential date, while others thought it was too much! As I made my way around all the large tables in the banquet room at the W Hotel, I concluded it was just enough-to know who NOT to date!

Ladies, I quickly realized that there are certain undesirable men whose undesirable behaviors are quite pronounced in this short time span. Here's who to avoid:

1. Mr. On To The Next: This man is essentially the same as the one in the club who is dancing with you and eying up the girl in back of you over your shoulder-only ten times worse. A man who can't give you his full attention for the first three minutes you meet him is pretty much the next Tiger Woods.
   
2. Mr. Stuck On The Last: Perhaps even more pathetic than the former, this man spends his speed date talking about the girl he met just before you. If this is all he can talk about, he is likely to be boring, nervous, dumb, or perpetually stuck in the past. Unless you'd like to endure a two hour dinner date in which the conversation revolves entirely around his relationship with his ex, ruuuuun before the buzzer even sounds.
   
3. Mr. It's The Me Show: We might as well call him Mr.- "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"- On- Steroids. Dude, shut up already! Can you not see the girl's eyes glazing over? (The girl next to her noticed it and is already avoiding you like the plague!) A relationship with this man will be draining and you will never feel truly heard or cared for.
   

   
    

To end on a positive note, there were a lot of great men in attendance. The rotten apples are the ones I chose to speak of because, believe it or not, there are many smart women who overlook these red flags because they are seduced by charming personalities and big blue eyes. These women need to get a grip and realize the potential power we females hold. Consider this:

If women stop sleeping with and dating men with undesirable qualities, perhaps men with undesirable qualities will become extinct. It could happen!!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS. MFT

 

 

Are your dates turned off because you are an annoying cliché?

Dear "It" Girl,

Today, I'd like to direct you to some very good dating advice from none other than my bosses- stars of VH1's Tough Love and owners of Master Matchmakers Inc, JoAnn & Steve Ward. Check out their interview with Aol Personals in which they give out some easy tips for increasing the chances of love in your air! You can read it here:http://personals.aol.com/articles/2010/01/22/steve-and-joann-ward-5-tips-to-finding-and-keeping-love/

Of course, I'd like to put in my own two cents! My own rule for first dates: "Don't be annoyingly cliché." Allow me to explain: I think men and women alike appreciate out of the box thinkers who ask them questions that differ from those everyone else asks! I'm sure most can relate to the annoyance of having to answer the same question over and over. If this hasn't happened to you in a dating context, there is probably another area in your life that it has. For instance, did you ever get an injury and quickly grow tired of telling the how-it-happened-story? What a drag!

On first dates, many people talk about work and ask vague questions about each others' occupations. Personally, I would find it really refreshing if a guy could come up with a question about my own career that would not be on my own list of Frequently Asked Questions about the dating industry! (Not to self: Publish that list asap!) Asking common questions makes you seem simple-minded and quite dull at times. At worse, it makes you seem ignorant. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me: "You aren't married. How can you find me my husband/wife if you haven't found your own match?" I would be a very rich woman! To them, I'd like to say "Duh. Just because I am a Matchmaker does not mean I am immune from experiencing the challenges of modern day dating." Or if I wanted to be more elegant, I might quote Matchmaker Samantha Daniels: "Just because I am a matchmaker does not mean I have an express ticket to marriage!".

You can come up with your own response, "It" Girl. Just don't be the annoying one that makes other people generate such responses for you!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“We are so OVER, we need a new word for over.” (JK! JK!)

Dear "It" Girl,

Today's blog title quotes the infamous words of Ms. Carrie Bradshaw to Mr. Big after she is caught in a post-adulterous act by Natasha-Mr. Big's other woman- in an entertaining episode during the third season of Sex & The City. The JK part was added by yours truly, because we all saw the movie and know the show between Carrie & Big is far from over.

While some women know they are DONE with their men long before the chronological death of their relationships, many have no clear definition of what actually constitutes a breakup. (I.e. Can we still text? What about the non-refundable plane tickets we have to Cabo?)

Now you may have heard that several relationship experts recommend keeping a break-up broken and not talking to an ex for at least three months after the initial breakup. Let's face it; a lot of couples can't even make it three weeks. (Okay, three days!)

Breakups are tricky stuff, you see. When you still love him, you'll find it hard to believe that some innocent conversations can be detrimental to your well-being. You'll rationalize. You'll miss him. You'll resist change at all costs. Maybe you'll even indulge in the occasional sexing with him. If you broke up with him –still in love-because he couldn't be all you wanted him to be, you are going to still have hope that he will transform into your Prince Charming. Rationally, you know this may take time. But when you are still sweating him, the notion of absence making the heart grow fonder will sound like a foreign language. The lack of clear boundaries can mess with your mind and break your little heart into pieces. It can lead you right back to his bed-a place where you maybe should not be. But then again, maybe he should be the one keeping you warm. Maybe Mr. Wrong can turn into Mr. Right if you can communicate and be equally dedicated to working out your issues. There is going to be heartache either way, and you'll just have to take your pick. It's better to decide on something, anything. I know for a fact this is true! (Okay, unfortunately, I've developed all this expert insight not only from learning through my clients but through my own personal experience. You didn't really think relationship experts were immune to relational dysfunction; did you?!)

All this talk about the heart leads me to a question that was explored throughout the SATC series: Should we listen to the head or the heart? You can learn from the love lives of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. You can learn from your own experiences and you can learn from me. Sometimes it's the heart. Sometimes it's the head. Sometimes it's both.

Sometimes Mr. Bigs really do run to the altar and then profess their undying love. You still believe, huh? I am right there with you. A girl can dream…………….

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Women are so MONEY: Why wives will still look great and husbands will still have beer bellies

Dear "It" Girl,

As a professional matchmaker, I frequently meet men and women who reinforce the preference of nearly all humanity to mate with someone who is anywhere along the continuum of "easy on the eyes" to "ridiculously good looking". Although many married women get the bad rep for letting themselves go a few years after they walk down the aisle and/or pop out babies, many more keep up with weekly manicures, Zumba classes, and Botox treatments. There is indeed a benefit of health and beauty that is more than skin deep. As the authors of Smart Girls Marry Money suggest it is financial security.

Despite the progress of women in the workplace, men still earn more and are more likely to climb and stay on top of the career ladder. Since women know that their quality of life will be better with a second income, they can be more forgiving about the unruly facial hair and beer belly of a high-earning hubby who always brings home the bacon. Although most women enter into marriage planning to live out their commitment, most are aware of the fifty percent chance of marital failure; they are made anxious from the media's constant reminder that people don't always take their vows so seriously. (Thanks, Tiger Woods!) A woman who is investing in her looks is essentially lessening her chances of poverty. Not a bad idea for many a lady, huh? Just in case her hotshot hubby decides to have a romp in the hay with his secretary(ies), a beautiful and well groomed woman will have more of a chance of meeting Husband # 2 . Let's face it, the competitive dating game does not exactly favor divorcees with school-age children and sagging boobies.

In the meantime, married men can hang on to their beer bellies. It is no secret that many wives will continue to love their husbands (and their wallets!) just the way they are.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

How to attract a man who’d be glad to do the dishes

Dear "It" Girl,

"When a man looks at you, does he see somebody he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Or does he see someone who will give him a hard time about doing the dishes and taking out the trash?"

This is a line straight out of an article "What Men Want," written by relationship expert, Alexandra Fox. There is such brilliance in this quote, that I just had to blog about it!

I, too, have written about what men want. In case you didn't catch it, check out the December 1, 2009 entry of this blog which also happens to be entitled "What Men Want". Want the Cliff Notes? In my opinion, the top three things that most men want out of a relationship are great sex, great fun, and a whole lot of loyalty!

I think Alexandra's quote can fall into the "great fun" category, inspiring women to be the type that men crave. A woman who is a nag is not going to be regarded as very fun. In defense of the women living with/married to one of the many men on the planet who despises taking out the trash and doing the dishes, nagging often seems like a natural and inevitable reaction.

You may wonder how else you'd get him to do the dishes?! Think outside of the box, "It" Girl, as there are alternatives that are equally effective-like never doing the dishes and therefore forcing your man to do at least one dish-or, perhaps, purchase paper plates. On the other hand, the kind of woman a man would love to marry would probably find some fun, creative way to get him to do the damn dishes. (Ideally, such a strategy would involve oral sex or some other activity that would provide comparable enjoyment!)

The point is, when you first meet a man, you can instantly increase your "wifey factor" by appearing to be open minded, easy going, and fun. Bonus points if you actually are open minded, easy going, and fun! However, as Alexandra and I have both illustrated in our writing, you can, indeed, "fake it until you make it".

Above all, despite the fact that they love the thrill of the chase, men also like relationships that mostly feel effortless and easy. If you can co-create a relationship of this nature, you may just find a man who would be glad to do the dishes!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

A NJ Speed dating event: Can new boys + new lip gloss = Your Match?

Dear "It" Girl,

If you are serious about meeting Mr. Right, you should consider diverse options for attracting him into your life. Perhaps, you've thought about speed dating and wondered if it was really a great way to meet someone date worthy. The old fashioned among us may think it is a crazy idea to determine someone's date-ability after three minutes of conversation. However, research shows that people can determine feelings of romantic attraction to someone in even less time than that.

According to Wikipedia, speed dating is defined as "a formalized matchmaking process or dating system whose purpose is to encourage new people to meet a large number of new people." You probably saw my favorite four-some speed dating (in glitz and glamour!) on Sex & The City. Could it work for you? Perhaps. It is worth a try!

Master Matchmakers, the company in which I work as a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach, is holding a speed dating event at the lovely W Hotel in Hoboken, NJ on January 29, 2010. If you are interested in learning more and registering for the event, take a look at the video at http://www.purplelabnyc.com/speeddating/. You will learn lots more there, but all you really need to know is that this event involves new boys and new lip gloss in a very classy setting- complete with Cosmos that would make Carrie Bradshaw jealous! ( And a very cool 3D aphrodisiac purple lip gloss to be exact!) Is this not every "It" girls dream night?! =)

If you plan on giving speed dating a whirl, do your very best to be sure that you have everything in place for making the best first impression. Men will make snap decisions as to whether you are hot or not, so make sure you look your very best. Also be aware of your body language; you must seem open and friendly. (No crossing arms!) Sound confident and epitomize fun. ( Boys (like girls!) just want to have fun! Those at these events are also looking for relationships.) Speed dating provides the setting for one of those they- may –not- remember –what- you- said-, but- they'll- remember- how –you-made- them- feel -instances. If the men are attracted to you and can have fun with you in three minutes, they'll believe they can have fun in three hours.

In 2010, speed dating could be a perfectly fine and time efficient way to meet your match!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

How to find your pot: To be or not to be hard to get

Dear "It" Girl,

Recently, a friend pointed out the brilliance in my (solicited) dating advice. Although there was some (alcohol-induced) discrepancy as to how it was initially stated, I said something like this:

"Don't play hard to get, be hard to get; but if you aren't hard to get, don't be hard to get!"

Frequent followers of this blog may identify such as "typical Rachel". Often, the therapist in me will give an answer without giving an answer. (Or is that the lawyer in me?!) Generally, I favor answers that lead to independent thinking and people becoming the best versions of themselves. The truth, when it comes to relationships, you see, is that there is no answer that stands the test of all time for all people. At the end of the day, relationship gurus should be off their high horses, because people usually interpret dating advice like they read fortune cookies- however the heck they want!

Yes, men like challenges. Ever since they were hunting game and we were gathering berries, they developed a penchant for the thrill of the chase. A smart girl may use this piece of information in an authentic way. Pretending to be busy and frequently avoiding calls and texts is not an authentic way. Leading a full and interesting life that leads to a natural avoidance of calls and texts? Now that can work like a charm!

If you are the type of girlfriend who enjoys having your own independent life and a shared life with your boyfriend, then maintain that throughout the early stages of dating and beyond. (And this is my strong recommendation for relational bliss!) If, however, you plan to be a "stage five clinger" throughout the duration of the desired relationship with desired guy you are dating, you need to show that instead, because he will eventually find out that you were faking it! After all there is a lid for every pot (Or did I say a pot for every lid?!) You will only find your lid or pot by being your true self.

Hence, if you aren't hard to get… don't be hard to get!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

PS: One month to Valentine's Day. Shout out to my male readers who need to get ready for that! Hahaha- you know who you are!

Real men use forks….but sometimes like to spoon!

Dear "It" Girl,

Did you know that "real men" wear pink? Perhaps you've heard that they also: drink beer, eat meat and potatoes, like football, despise the words "We need to talk," hibernate in caves after work, don't like to cuddle, leave the toilet seat up, refuse to ask for directions, never cry, and fall asleep immediately after sex.

While some of these statements will seem like universal male truths to a lot of the women who date men, many are outdated notions of a rigid conformity to what it means to be stereotypically male, and they are poisoning the minds and relationships of women like you.

Buying into these beliefs can be a roadblock to creating and maintaining a satisfying romantic relationship. If you desire real love, you must sit down and honestly analyze your beliefs about men that could be preventing you from finding such. Here are three reasons to detox of all such stereotypes today:

1. You are missing out, girlfriend, on plenty of fish in the sea. Did you ever consider the fact that there are endless possibilities for characteristics that make up a real man? A man that you could be really compatible with. In case you haven't heard, real men: fancy red wine (okay, or white), are vegetarians, have passions beyond sports, are emotionally communicative (even after work), enjoy spooning instead of sleeping post-booty, know how to put down the toilet seat, and realize that asking directions is sometimes as likely be as useful as Marley & Me is to produce tears.
   

   
    

2. Stereotypes make you look like a "tard". If you hold all these outdated notions as close as your favorite clutch, you are bound to do and say something stupid! Contrary to popular belief, real men actually like smart women. They will feel offended, judged unfairly, and turned off by your ignorance. Not what you were going for, huh?
   

   
    

3. You create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't know what this is, you must have been sleeping during PSYCH 101 after too many nights of collegiate boozing with "real men". In essence, what you are doing is believing stereotypes about men, projecting them out into the world, and only attracting men who epitomize these stereotypes. No wearing a wonder they all cheat on you. (Sorry, but you are basically wearing a sign on your back that reads "Come play me".)
   

On a positive note, you now have some food for thought. You have a reason to change your beliefs and a tool to change your life! Go get them!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

A Buddhist Approach To Dating And Relationships

Dear "It" Girl,

If you have a long history of relationship troubles, it may be time to broaden your perspective. Perhaps, you can adopt a new philosophy that will really change the way you see things and act in terms of dating. My recommendation? Try a Buddhist approach. Contrary to popular belief, Buddhism is really a philosophy (and not a religion). Its' principles can be applied to dating. Consider the Four Noble Truths:

1. "Life inevitably includes suffering or difficulty." This includes everything from men who don't call, to men who lie, cheat, and otherwise disrespect women. (Not to mention the hardship that results from "irreconcilable differences"!)
   

   
    

2. "Life is painful or difficult because of our attachments." This means our attachments to how things "should" be. Yes, you think he should do x, y, and z, think you are the most beautiful woman in the world, and date you exclusively-of course. Guess what? He didn't have a replica of your exact experiences, thoughts, and feelings in his brain, so why should you set yourself up for disappointment by making assumptions about what he should do?
   

   
    

3. "Ease and peace of mind are possible." The pre-requisite? You must learn to practice mindfulness or what Buddhists refer to as "living in the moment". Yoga and deep breathing can help here, but mostly you must train your mind to focus on the present and accept things as they are.
   

   
    

4. "The path toward greater ease and peace is found in the eight fold path: right view, right intentions, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration." When it comes to dating this translates into acting from a place of wisdom (being mindful of dating etiquette), acting ethically, and being able to exist in an almost meditative state.
   

   
    

Are you interested in further broadening your perspective on dating with the use of Buddhist principles? Stay tuned to my blog at www.loverachelrussomft.com for more and be sure to check out Charlotte Kasal's If the Buddha Dated: a Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path. Seek out reading materials, movies, and people who realize that there is never just one approach to anything. To learn more about different mindsets in the dating world, you can also check out a "Fact Sheet" that I recently published on dating around the world here. http://www.ehow.com/facts_5832037_differences-between-american-european-dating.html

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

To the Lonely- Hearted: Stop Crying, Start Loving, and Connect the Dots

Dear "It" Girl,

Unfortunately, there are too many intelligent, beautiful, and accomplished women who seemingly have it all, but cry themselves to sleep on a nightly basis because of loneliness and relationship-related pain. Today's' women cry over the guys who never call. And the guys that always do. The guys who don't want to hook up with them; the guys who only want to hook up with them. The guys of great value and the guys who never recognize a woman's value. Women who are doing everything else right are stunned as to why they can't find someone with whom they can really connect. They are going to the right bars, wearing the right clothes, sending out the right messages on multiple online dating sites, and contacting us professionals at Master Matchmakers. They can't see the love in their lives-until they find their One(s).

Ah, the love connection-something we as a society haven't mastered. Despite the age in which it is easier than ever to get and stay in touch with someone, we cannot connect! If you think about it, we are all pretty damn lonely.

Mother Theresa got it right: "The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, and deserted by everyone." Indeed, there is a difference between being alone and feeling alone-as if the entire world's burdens rest solely on your shoulders.

Do you know what being unloved can lead to? How about, everything from eating disorders and alcoholism (to escape the pain), to suicide attempts (to cry for help), to unthinkable acts like Columbine and 911 (which are extremely devastating examples of severe deficits of love)?

Someone better contact Kevin Trudeau, because loving and getting love in return may be one of the most natural cures "they" are hiding from us!

"It" Girl, I urge you to start loving people all around you today to make our world a better place. You don't have to save all of your love for your dream guy. There is enough to go around for your friends, family, and the old man you opened the door for at Stop & Shop. If you make a habit of practicing random acts of kindness, you will feel a lot less lonely. Can you guess who you will love more? Yup, YOU!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Why it is Jan. 4th and you already broke your New Year’s Resolution for your love life

Dear "It" Girl,

You didn't even make it to the first work day of 2010 before you broke the New Year's Resolution you made for your love life, huh? You are not alone. Despite our best intentions to act only in ways that will allow us attract, give, and receive love in the new year, many "It" girls have already done something that contradicted their goals. Whether your "sin" involved going back to an ex or telling a lie to the man you are currently dating, you had a moment of weakness. Before you let yourself fall into more moments that will push love farther away from your door, allow yourself to take a moment to analyze what is preventing you from making the changes you desire.

Are you actually afraid of intimacy? You resolved to find and maintain a serious relationship, but have you unconsciously chosen men who are emotionally unavailable and will never be able to give you the level of relating that you desire? Are you staying with them and/or already attracting new men just like them? Have you found a man who is capable of such, but keep doing things to push him away?

Are you failing to live your truth? Have you not accepted the reality of your situation? Have you compromised your values? What makes you keep lying to your man and yourself? Perhaps, you think you aren't lying, but merely withholding some information. Guess what? You are lying. Remember what Robert Louis Stevenson said: "The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Do you fail to understand what it takes to change? You have failed if you have not created a concrete plan for sticking to your intentions. Perhaps, you have failed because you haven't truly figured out what you need to do to be that person with the capacity to love. You need a plan of action to keep you on track-to keep your mindset healthy and strong.

Did you break your resolution because you wanted to? This is an indication that you are not ready to change. You won't change until you want to, and even then, you might not change. You have to be 100 percent committed to your goal. It's hard to leave an unsatisfying relationship when you still love the guy or start a new routine when you aren't fully sold on the benefits of what you are doing. You broke your resolution because you fooled yourself into thinking you wanted to change before you were ready.

If you can say "yes," to any of these questions, a little soul searching would be the doctor's order. Perhaps, you need some new, New Year's Resolutions. Maybe you need to reevaluate or strategize. Just don't give up!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT