“And this is how you get a guy…”

Dear "It" Girl,

It was nearly two years ago when I first uttered those words to my sister, on the way to the N train, as we approached the enormous escalator after the passageway between NYC's Port Authority and Times Square Subway Station. I proceeded to do what I'd done many times before: On cue, I routinely drop my two piece- luggage on the floor and waited for a well-meaning gentleman to take notice. Sure enough, within seconds, he came to help carry those heavy bags up the escalator. And there you have it: A great example of a wonderful relational dynamic between man and woman. Evidence in my belief that in existence is an array of kind-hearted men more than happy to help women like myself go about their everyday life.

On the contrary, many women today think chivalry is dead. Indeed, my own faith has wavered-most recently, just across the river, in Hoboken, where the frat boy types have no qualms about aggressively pushing their way through a group of women. Yet, I encounter the breed of man who pulls out chairs and opens doors more often than not, because I believe they exist. You can too!

To begin with, you must believe men helping women is actually good for society and heterosexual (and homosexual!) relationships of all kinds. I know- you can carry your own damn luggage. (Believe me, I can too if absolutely necessary!) You don't like to appear weak or seemingly dependent on men. The feminist in you may even see it as a contribution to society's imbalance of power. After all, you don't want men to think you "need" them or even worse that you "owe" them something for their help! Men are supposed to be like the accessories that enhance the outfit-not the outfit, right?

Well, if you'd like a man to take care of you, you must get over some of those destructive beliefs. (And who among us wouldn't honestly want that in some way?! Even the ice queens know they'd benefit from men being nice to them!) Men like to help. It makes them feel manly. They want to make your life easier. They'll even like you better if you allow them to do favors for you. (Studies show that this is true for both men and women who do favors- they like the person they are helping more!) It is okay to let them do some things for you. (Just don't take it to the extreme!) Don't forget to reinforce good behavior.

"And this," my dear hearts, "is how you get a guy"!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

What would you (and wouldn’t you!) do for love?

Dear "It" Girl,

"Great love and great achievements require great risks."

When it comes to loving someone, there is a lot to be risked. Exposing your true self and fearing the result, experiencing rejection, and becoming vulnerable to getting hurt emotionally are some of the major risks. There is also the possibility of letting your emotional brain overtake your rational one-resulting in a string of poor life choices. Sometimes, for women, this means staying with someone and doing things for him that negatively impact their health, career, lifestyle, and emotional well-being.

This seems like a huge gamble. One thing about men that I wholeheartedly believer is that they are most likely to love women who love themselves. Yet, I am a firm believer that risking nothing is the biggest risk of all. Ladies, you are going to have to take some risk if you want a mutual display of those warm and fuzzy feelings.

Today, I invite you to do some soul searching. It is important to get an understanding of just how important great love is to you. What are you willing and unwilling to do to be able to give and receive love? When it comes to love, there is no black and white. You must figure out your own shades of grey.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Is he faking it?

Dear "It" Girl,

A wise man once said: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." A wise woman asks: "Is my man fooling me?"

Rewind to your past relationships. Have you ever fallen for a guy who has treated you badly, because you settled into a relationship before deciding if he was even who you wanted? (You know the type in which you are just hanging out, barely calling it dating, and then suddenly you're his girlfriend?)

A happy love life is all about having a vision, setting boundaries, and sticking to them. (If you don't know what you want, how will you get it?!) Did you give him a chance because he was the only one showing interest? Remember, just because he's the only one up at bat does not mean he deserves to take a swing. Sometimes having nothing with "no one" is better than having something with "someone". Ask yourself why you are settling for chop meat when you deserve filet migeon. Is there a payoff or are you paying a price?

Certain men have a way of making women compromise their standards by settling for relationships or non-relationships that they never ordered. Perhaps it's their dimples or the fact that they are really good between the sheets that allows them to have a power over the women in their lives. A lot of times these men seem to have reciprocal feelings for their women-whether they have an official title or not-but there is always the chance that they are faking it.

Another quote comes to mind: "Women fake orgasms, men fake relationships." Too much of a gender stereotype? Perhaps- yet there is a kernel of truth about men hiding their true feelings for the sake of keeping a relationship that they enjoy. (i..e. Maybe he doesn't loooove you, but he loves what you do for him/with him and therefore leads you to believe he is more invested in the relationship than he really is!)

"It" girl, it is up to you to decide what you will and will not put up with from men. You draw the line. You shoot him down when he tries to cross it!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

Live, Love, Stay “Fly”: The three codes an “It” Girl lives by!

Dear "It" Girl,

Today's advice is simple. It is about the value of living in each moment, appreciating where you are at in your current life, and if coupled, loving the one you are with. Yet, we often take the every day for granted, barely making time to metaphorically (and literally!) stop and smell the roses.

We should strive to live each day as it is our last, because one day it will be. Not to be morbid, but think about how you would live a richer and more fulfilling life if you were always mindful of how finite time is. Would you be kinder to your friends and family? More supportive and understanding of the likes and dislikes of your partner? Would you kiss him like it was the last time-every time? Would you take more risks in terms of your career or make more time for you to travel and pursue your hobbies?

Perhaps, it's time to figure out what you really want out of life and start "Livin' It Up".

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Breaking News In The Blogosphere: An “It” BOYS’ Take On 21rst Century Dating Trends

Dear "It" Girl,

Since I've created this blog, I have found that men are often the biggest fans of my relationship blog for women! Since I think both my female and male readers can benefit from a man's perspective, I wanted to bring such to this blog by introducing you to a few "It" Boys. (Who says this has to be a girls only club?!)

The first "It" Boy you should know is a twenty something New Yorker named Chris Stokes. He is a Mercy College graduate (with honors!) who majored in Criminal Justice and Psychology. His professional experience is quite diverse spanning the industries of Construction, Accounting, Real Estate, Theatre and Hospitality. In his spare time, he enjoys assisting friends, learning about history, playing sports and motorcycle joy-rides. He is currently pursuing a career in the arts and entertainment fields because of his passion for human expression and as a means of helping others. After Chris reached out to me after finding me online, I met with him and found him to be an objective and realistic individual who could use his writing to assist those who are having a hard time within the dating scene. He will be contributing to this blog in the upcoming weeks, so keep an eye out for his posts! (Yes, ladies, he is single!!)

If you are wondering what a man thinks about some of the biggest dating trends of the twenty first century-such as speed dating- look no further! Chris had a response to my Jan. 31rst post on speed dating, and there is much to be gained from his insight for us ladies!

In a nutshell, Chris' perspective on speed dating:

"Ultimately, I am a firm believer that if you truly know what would make you happy in a partner you will know instantly or within minutes if you have a connection with someone. My take on Speed Dating is that you should keep things in the present and talk about things like current events and/or things that are happening throughout the world etc. If you share similar beliefs and opinions on your topic(s) discuss you can then take things to the next level and get to know the person. Talking about things that are going on within the present can also shed light on an individuals', character, morals and personality without asking specific "hard-hitting" questions."

He does have some reservations:

"Although Speed Dating can be a fun and exciting way to meet other single people, I believe it can only be an enjoyable experience for those who truly know who they are as an individual and what they seek in a partner (looks, character, personality etc...). Consequently, if the persons engaging in the Speed Date don't have an idea of what they desire in a partner then it could make for a loonnnggg three minutes, or worse a horrible experience altogether."

He also agrees with my three bullet points on speed dating. (How sweet!) Chris says:

First Point- "A man who is constantly "looking for the bigger and better deal" will inevitable miss out on important things and you can be certain that if you become the "woman" he chooses it will only be for a period of time. Furthermore, that mentality in a man unfortunately leads me to believe that as a partner you will be considered one of many and not the only one. "

Second Point-"If a guy is stuck on things that just happened a few moments ago it surely is a sign of a person who might be clingy and ultimately a person who dwells on the past. If a guy, or person for that matter can dwell on something so petty that happened moments ago, imagine how he/she would dwell on more serious "wrong-doings" or "bad experiences" they have been exposed to. This may be a quick sign that the person sitting across from you may be an individual who is bitter, depressing, and someone who doesn't let things go, electing to allow previous experiences to fester. Ultimately, the past is your past and not part of the present and future for a reason!"

Third Point-" If a guy cannot stop talking about who he is, what he has done and where he is going in life, the best thing you can do is run for the nearest exit!!! This is a clear indication that the guy is self-absorbed and ultimately shows signs of selfishness. If he can't take a moment to inquire about "you" he is probably not the type that puts other people first thus implying your wants and desires will fall upon deaf ears. "

Amen to that! I appreciate Chris' profound perspective on human nature and relationships. I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say on diverse topics. If you have any suggestions for content, please email me at RachelR2019@gmail.com

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

.

A “Love Gurus’” Most High-Pressured Blog entry: The Valentine’s Day Edition

Dear "It" Girl,

Being the female that you are, you are most definitely aware of the approaching holiday-Valentine's Day-this Sunday, February 14, 2010-and all of the red hearts, pink roses, and chocolate covered strawberries that are supposed to come with it. You are probably also mindful of all the bad press Valentine's Day gets. (Anti-Vday parties, anyone?)The high expectations and huge disappointments of some women-most especially those who discover the Tiffany & Co. box holds a different kind of ring than they hoped for-and the sketchiness of some men who avoid the pressure by boycotting the holiday altogether, can make for a lot of negativity in the air.

Love is supposed to be in the air though. (At least that's what my Aol homepage suggests!) Being the "love guru" that I am, I, of course, have always loved Valentine's Day-whether I've had a love or not. I wish more people would share my penchant for the holiday and use it as an opportunity to celebrate love and life despite the imperfections of their loves and lives.

Some people say that you don't need a holiday to celebrate love-you should celebrate it every day. (For some reason, I doubt that such people celebrate love every day.) You know who those people usually are? Men! (Men who don't know what to get their wives and girlfriends for the holiday and just decide on nothing.) Now, don't get me wrong, if you follow this blog regularly, you know I love men!! I am merely pointing out that some men push some women to despise the day that they would ordinarily be predisposed to love.

Ah, Valentine's Day. It's bitter-sweet. It could be more sweet for you if you know what I know: Some men are nervous about showing feelings. Some men do not acknowledge feelings to begin with. (This does not mean that they do not have feelings!)Some men work hard to choose the perfect gift or plan the ideal date that reflects the level of their feelings toward their lucky ladies. Some men fall short. Some men hate on Valentine's Day. Some women hate on men who hate on Valentine's Day. Some women and some men do none or all of the above.

The point is, everyone is different. While this day will play out different versions of the same song for different people- ideally, all the songs would be love songs. If you have goodness and love and your life in the form of a romantic partner, hopefully you'll have more of it on this day. But let's get real ladies, if you weren't connecting and sharing the love with your current partner before February 14^th you probably won't be connecting and sharing the love after.

Clearly, your relationship is on your own time line. You can't hurry love. (Not even on Vday!) If you don't have a relationship, you have total control of planning your own time line for finding love. You can start by paying me and my team at Master Matchmakers a visit this weekend in Atlantic City, NJ for all over Valentine's Day inspired events. More info here: http://www.heartac.com/)

Whether your single, coupled, or anything and everything in between, I wish you a………

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 

3 Steps to Finding the (Next) Love of Your Life Before the (Next) Feb 14th

Dear "It" Girl,

Sorry, it's too late to find your beau in time for this years' Vday-unless you believe in miracles-and your Universe works really quickly. Now, February 14^, 2011-that is doable! If you have a year to plan, you have plenty of time to launch at an all-out campaign in the name of love. In addition to telling everyone you know that you are single and looking, consider my suggestions on how to find a great relationship by approaching finding a man in the same fashion as you would for launching a career.

1. Treat it like you'd treat a job search. If you were applying for a job, you'd try to determine which type of position you'd be best for by identifying your qualifications and interests. Do the same for your qualifications to be somebody's-girlfriend. Ask yourself what you bring to the table in a long term relationship.
   
2. In further applying with the job search technique, figure out what kind of man would most float your boat. You need to know what you are looking for to increase your chances of finding it.
   
3. After marketing the heck out of yourself in resumes/cover letters or online dating profiles/off-line makeovers, you will meet with some potential people who can fulfill your need. Be prepared and confident by knowing what you can about this job (person) and knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Don't forget to smile!
   

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT