Game Over, On To The Next. Dealbreakers for “IT” Girls

Dear "It" Girl,

If you want to know how to separate the men from the boys, consider adopting the no-tolerance policy for the following that I recommend to all "It" girls in search of a healthy, happy relationship.

Just say "No" to relationships that include:

A lack of communication: A man who is unwilling to discuss problems is going to be difficult to move forward with. If he can't express his feelings and thoughts about you and maturely handle conflict, you are going to grow more frustrated than you ever thought possible.

Bad sex: Life is too short to be with someone who is selfish in bed. The sexual dynamics are a metaphor for the entire relationship. If he doesn't take the time to learn how to please you in the bedroom, he won't care to make you happy in other contexts either. You'll wonder why you even decided to shave your legs-let alone make him your boyfriend!

Addiction: The only thing he should be addicted to is you-and in the cute, helpless puppy sort of way. A man with a dependence on drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviors should be willing to get help if he truly loves you. A relationship with a hopeless addict leads to one path: heartache

A serious lack of funds: The type of man who is short on cash every once in a while but who would spend his last dollar on you is not what I am talking about. I am not referring to those in temporary debt/unemployment either. I mean the men who truly can't afford you-those who have made a series of irresponsible financial decisions, lack the motivation to better themselves, and take the means necessary to command a higher income. While you may not need a "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley," a guy who is always broke as a joke is just not cute.

Witholding of affection: You are a woman and you need to be loved. Someone stingy with compliments kisses, and random displays of affection will make you feel insecure and deprived.

Abuse: Physical, verbally, and emotionally abusive men do not know how to express love in a healthy way. If a man is unwilling to seek anger management, you are setting yourself up for a vicious cycle that includes hospital visits and low self esteem.

And finally……………………..

Lack of commitment:

If a guy is not entirely yours, he could be hers. Or the one next to hers'. The seemingly small pond of available men keeps women swimming in murky waters. Trust me, there is a whole sea out there. Don't you want to catch your own fish?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

The “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” standby

Dear "It" Girl,

A common reason for women initiating breakups is the old " I love him, but I'm not in love with him" standby. If you find yourself spewing out that one, you may want to follow up it up with a bit more detail, as most recently dumped men are not too happy with that. Ask yourself what changed for you? What changed with him? Is the dynamic beyond remedy, as there is something about him that you will just never be able to live with? Or can you work it out and bring back those exciting feelings that made you feel as if you were on a love drug like you did in the early days of your relationship?

You owe him something if he was a decent boyfriend- anything more than that line.

It's often hard to recall just when you fall in love; although some can note an exact moment. (the way he curled his lip when I told him about my imperfection, the seconds our eyes lingered at that bar, when he held my hand in the hospital bed, etc.) For others, it is something that happens gradually over time until one day they wake up and think "I love this guy!".

Sure those loving feelings may not seem to last forever, but they can just lie dormant for a while before coming back stronger than ever.

Before you break up with a guy for this reason-who is otherwise a very great candidate for you-ask yourself what the real reasons are. There is always plenty more where that came from.

Overall, when it comes to love and life, remember that people change-just as much as they stay the same.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Relationship 101: What They Should Teach You In School

Dear "It" Girl,

 

Recently, a client who finished coaching with me at Master Matchmakers shared the following quote by Neal Garmen :

 
 

 "I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They
don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.
They don't teach you anything worth knowing."

 

My client wanted to add that "they" don't teach you how to date!

 

It seems silly that high school curriculums would not include some lessons on attracting and maintain a truly healthy and satisfying relationship. Considering the divorce rate in the US today and the poor role models in pop culture, many young people would benefit from learning about how to choose a suitable partner, avoid red flags in dating, and master the skills that make a marriage work. Communication skills, are, of course, a major asset to any partnership. Learning how to fight fair is another skill that is essential to dealing with conflict in relationships.

 

Often, people assume that relationships should be easy and that these skills should come naturally. As a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach, trust me when I state this, it is more often than not that they don't. Love is not never having to say you are sorry. Don't buy into the hype and the clichés. Relationships take work.

 

Start putting effort into learning how to improve your relationships today. It is always worth it.

 

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

 

 
 

Tough Love Couples Premieres Tonight on VH1 9 PM EST

Dear "It" Girl,

I just wanted to let you know about the show that is airing tonight for the very first time, VH1's Tough Love Couples, starring my bosses at Master Matchmakers, JoAnn and Steve Ward. I invite you to check it out. With couples instead of singles going through boot camp as in seasons one and two of Tough Love, the show is sure to provide audiences with insight into the male and female perspective regarding the challenges of modern day relationships. Allow me to warn you: it is not for the faint of heart!

These are real couples being faced with real decisions. At the end of the boot camp, they must decide if they will get engaged or end their relationship altogether. The stakes are high. The drama is ON. The love is TOUGH. And there are indeed lessons to be learned for anyone who seeks a healthy romantic relationship.

Hope you'll tune in and share you feedback with me by sending an email to Rachel@mastermatchmakers.com.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Do you want the diamond or the diamond in the rough?

Dear "It" Girl,

I came across a quote about two weeks ago that I have been sharing with my clients and friends ever since that really sheds light on the love lives' of many women I know. This quote-with the author unknown-is as follows:

"It is the most momentous question a woman is ever called upon to decide: whether the faults of the man she loves are beyond remedy and will drop her down, or whether she is competent to be his earthly redeemer and lift him to her own level."

Now, to many of you, it may seem like there is an unhealthy, borderline co-dependent component to this quote. You ask: "Earthly redeemer!!!!?" I know, I know. I do wish you have the reaction some of my clients had, in that you realize you don't want to "save" any man. (And that your focus is on "saving" yourself, of course!)

However, let me remind you that you can save yourself by saving someone else. You have to give love to get it- and not just for the sake of getting it. The wise know that love is a verb; it is something you continuously just do. It will not kill you to love someone you deem below your "level". Don't be so quick to make judgments about the superficial though. Socioeconomic status, education level, looks, etc, reveal a lot about a person but they don't guarantee a good man who you'll be happy with for the long term. Read between the lines. Ask yourself, if his character and the core of who he is are in cahoots with your own. Is he working on self growth and improving his life with the same speed that you are? Do listen to your heart…..but don't be a fool! See him for who he is and not what you want him to be.

As I've written before on this blog, I do not believe that you choose who you fall in love with but that you can choose whether or not the person you are in love with is a healthy object of your love. So, in essence, you can fall but not stay.

The quote illustrates the basic question that women everywhere ask themselves. "Is he good enough for me?" It underscores the need for women to weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving the men they love. If you find yourself in this common dilemma, ask yourself do you want the diamond or can you handle the diamond in the rough?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“Eff” That Dirty Laundry: Get Your Love Life Off Rinse & Repeat Today!

Dear "It" Girl,

Do you ever feel like you romantic relationships can be defined as one bad love song stuck on repeat? Do you say you want a good guy but keep falling for the same bad boys who get you caught up in a web of lies? Do you feel like you must be wearing a sign or a displaying a doormat that reads "Cheaters are welcome"?

You, my dear friend, keep doing the same dirty laundry over and over. Although your boyfriends may look different on the surface, they all share similar characteristics that attract you to them. That being said, the greatest common denominator in your relationship history is still YOU. There is something about the vibe you give off, the image you portray, or the attitude you possess that has you stuck on rinse and repeat.

Do you have the courage to find out what is threatening you from getting the love you want? Many women don't. It can be scary to ask the guy who never called back after date number one if the "I'm-getting-back-with-my-ex" line was really an excuse to cover up his disinterest in dating a woman like you-let alone ask if there is something specific about you that turns him off. What alternative do you have? Drinking yourself into oblivion so you could hook up with someone else to get over the first guy? Come on now, you are not that kind of girl!

When I coach women at Master Matchmakers, I give them answers to the questions they are afraid to ask and vision for truths they didn't want to see. All of my clients finish our coaching program with insight into the ways they are ruining their chances of a great relationship. If you aren't currently working with a coach or therapist, you should be working with me, silly! OR you are going to have to do some detective work on your own. If you can't afford me, solicit the opinions of your friends and family on what you are doing wrong. If you are really brave, go to the sources themselves: the men- the ones you've bedded, the ones you liked, the ones you loved, and the ones that got away. Because if you don't ask them, how will you ever really know?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT