Dear "It" Girl, Love Rachel Russo, Matchmaker/Relationship Coach/Writer

"You a mom and pop, I'm a corporation."

2010-07-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

Dear “It” Girl,

Can you finish those lyrics…and post them to your Facebook wall?

Repeat after me:

“I’m the press conference, you’re a conversation.”

Now specify:

Yes, a conversation that should be over…..because I am way too good for you.

Way too special for that.

Ouch.

So, when it comes to dating successfully, confidence is the name of the game. But it’s not all about strutting your stuff and looking cute boys in the eye while slowly sipping cocktails.

As illustrated above, it’s about ending a relationship with someone who isn’t treating you the way you deserve to be treated, no matter how little you think your chances are of finding someone you’ll feel just as strongly about.

All that and more.

It’s about being confident enough to live your truth-no matter where you are in your love life.

If your “flyin solo,” is it because you have not got over your ex? Is it because you are not putting yourself out there enough? Or are you choosing the wrong guys because you are unconsciously afraid of intimacy ?

Hopefully, it is because you haven’t met the right guy and are confident enough not to settle for less!

If you are in a relationship, are you confident enough to speak your mind even if it means hurting his feelings by sharing painful truths?

If you aren’t communicating what you really feel, then you aren’t communicating who you really are.

Hopefully, you are confident enough to tell it like it is and hope he’ll love you in spite of, or (smile) because of it.

And if not, well, his loss.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS. MFT

How to Find Fireworks with Your American Boy

2010-07-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear “It “ Girl,

Happy 4th of July to all of my American girls! I hope you are enjoying your friends, family, and fun in the sun, as well as reflecting on the meaning of this special holiday.

On the 234th,birthday of the United States of America, I invite you to consider the principles that make this “land of the free and home of the brave” so wonderful.
Interestingly enough, I can draw parallels between the ideals of the country and my notions for healthy and happy relationships.

And, I’m not just referring to fireworks! Yes, we all want those.

If it lasts, chemistry- like the spark we feel when we first lay eyes on him or share a delicious first kiss- can carry a relationship through the rollercoaster of life.

But what America really has in common with healthy relationships is not the firecrackers-which quickly reach their peak and just as quickly fizzle out-but the values of freedom and independence.

Now such will mean different things to different people. For one woman, freedom is a great career and a personal checking account, and for the next, it is a monthly girl’s night out!

In a healthy relationship, both individuals (as well as the relationship between them) reach their maximum potential when they balance their needs for freedom and independence with the needs of their partners.

Often, people do not communicate their deepest needs to their partners, but when they do, they enjoy significant improvement in their relationships.

How do you think incorporating independence and freedom into your relationship would make things better for you and your American boy?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Match this: "They had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other."

2010-06-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

In the movie, The Notebook, Duke describes the relationship between Allie and Noah:

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other. "

Sound like anyone you know? They seem like night and day, right? How do they stay together?

People often ask me how I match people together. Would they raise an eyebrow if I introduced to seemingly opposite people with a severe lack in common interests?

Probably! A lot of people want matches based on the following: Age, height, location, education, career, hobbies, income, desire (or lack of desire) for kids,religion. Blah Blah Blah. All the superficial-yet often important details-must be lined up like ducks in a row for many of my clients to even consider someone worthy of a phone conversation.

Am I complaining? Kind of-but I do understand. We all have ideas of who we think we'll fall in love with, but are we right?

Sometimes, I want to scream at these people and their laundry lists. i.e. Do you really think you should dismiss him just because he doesn't share your love of candlemaking? Picky, picky, picky.

Call me radical, but perhaps people could fall in love with just about anyone if the timing and certain conditions were right. (This reasoning has a lot to do with Harville Hendrix and Imago Therapy! http://www.harvillehendrix.com/)

I think it is more about the nature of the relationship, the dynamic of the relationship, the comfortable patterns and routines, "the way he makes me feel" that people fall in love with. Am I saying that people can fall in love with anyone who can co create the type of relationship that most appeals to their psyche? Maybe! Maybe if he's cute.

Why not try it? Pick a guy. Not just any guy, but one you are reasonably attracted to who meets at least half of your laundry list. Can you become as crazy about him as Allie and Noah were about each other?

There's only one way to find out!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Mr. Everything I Never Knew I Always Wanted

2010-06-10T21:23:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

In the Sex & The City television series, Charlotte York falls for the guy she would have never imagined herself with in a million years. She explains to the girls:"I'm seeing someone..sort of. It's ridiculous- he's so-o-o not my type. He's bald and short. And he talks with his mouth full..and….it's the best sex of my life.....I think I might really like him."

Fast forward to the big screen, SATC II, with all its' fabulous fashion and beautiful Middle Eastern scenery, Carrie wonders about the complexity of human relationships. "Can we ever really know what goes on between two people?" she asks.

Umm. No. Sorry Ms. Bradshaw. Therapists and coaches trained to have the highest degrees of empathy can't even understand completely. How can they when it is often that one or two of those two people can't even comprehend the dynamic of the very relationship they are in?

Chemistry is a mystery; it is the one thing even Ms. Matchmaker Extraordinaire can't guarantee her clients will have. Yes, most of the time they tell me about the "type" they need to meet to feel a spark that won't be put out. If you are such an expert, why are you contacting me in the first place?!

The truth is, I know both personally and professionally that there's something to be said for dating the guy who is "soooo not my type".

I've said it before and I will say it again: LOVE IS NOT RATIONAL!!! You will not fully understand why you feel the way you do when you fall for him. However, I'd bet my last dollar it won't be because he's 6'2'' or because he went to Princeton.

You'll fall in love with someone's core. It'll be apparent in what he does when he thinks you are not looking, what happens when you are stuck in the car with him for hours, when you realize you share the same values, (and lazy Sundays!) when you discover you don't want to live without how he makes you feel.

Your type?

History.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

5 Lessons on Love - From (Gasp!) Reality TV

2010-05-24T20:06:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Sometimes, there are uniquely valuable lessons to be learned from (gasp) reality tv! Case in point: VH1's Tough Love Couples, whose Season Finale aired this evening. I sit on the edge of my seat-just like the countless other viewers throughout the country tonight- as I waited to see how the story would unfold for the five couples who made it through the "boot camp" of my bosses, Steve and Jo Ann Ward.

I think these young couples who share their vulnerability and relational issues with the world should all be commended for their courage to give their relationships a fair chance. To come to a decide whether they should make up or break up-for good- on national television nonetheless- is no easy task! As Steve Ward says on the show: "Relationships are not light switches. Make a decision already!" If you are an "It" girl struggling with your own on again off again relationship or just at the point where it's only healthy to decide whether a relationship that's been on should stay on or fade to black, learn from the experiences of the couples on this show.

In my opinion, some of the take home messages are as follows:

Sometimes "you just know" when things are meant to be from the very start. Take Larry and Heather: He says he knew she was his soul mate from the moment he layed eyes on her. They had to get through a lot of crap first from frequent fighting to dealing with the ex factor, but they both emerged from boot camp confident that marriage is what they wanted. By the way, I think every girl wants a guy to look at her the way Larry looked at Heather when she walked down that pseudo aisle in her dress.

Sometimes it's too late. Meet Dustin and Courtney. High school sweethearts together for eight years. Eight years of conflict that have left them feeling more like roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend. When they came to boot camp, she was ready for commitment, and he was the less invested partner. In the end, they did a role reversal. I believe that Courtney made the best decision she could have made. Too much damage had been done, as the trust was gone. Despite their best efforts in boot camp, she realized the relationship was toxic for her. She broke up with Dustin to find herself again. I could not have been prouder of her ability to let go of the guy she loved but clearly outgrew. Courtney had the guts to be true to herself. As Steve rationalizes, if it is meant to be in the end, it will be. (Oh and as for Ryan and Axelle, who got booted off of a boot camp a few episodes back, sometimes it is really too late. Thank God, they had this experience to help them dodge the many bullets that their volatile relationship would have brought. May their relationship rest in peace!)

Nothing can stand in the way of true love. Not a commitment phobe, not a meddling mom, not a prior broken off engagement to the same person! Awww, Dennis and Simone. You could just feel the love! They were both glowing after his proposal. Dennis had a calm air of confidence about him. He knew he made the right decision to ask Simone to marry him, because all his fears were gone. When you remove relationship threats and work on your selves as a couple to the point that you have no fears, like this couple did, you know in your heart of hearts that you will live happily ever after.

With her consistent support and acceptance, a woman has the power to make her non-committal boy realizes he's in love and man the hell up! Pawell and Danielle came to boot camp with a lot of issues, namely a lack of communication about problems and a severe lack of intimacy. They were both afraid of commitment, in denial about their relationship, and needed to work very hard at renewing their romance. His speech was heart warming- an inspiration to every woman who is holding on to hope with her diamond in the rough! He can do it ladies, and he needs your encouragement!

When you truly are in love with someone, you sacrifice your own desires to make him or her happy. In essence, both Mario and Christina both did the same thing. Clearly, she was the one who wanted marriage more. I never doubted Mario loved her like he has never loved anyone before, but he had some serious doubts to get past. As a couple, they had a very unhealthy dynamic and their growth was tremendous. In the end he puts on the tuxedo, because he knows she wants commitment. He knows he should give it to her because he loves her too much to lose her. Interestingly enough, Christina does not put on the dress. In the final episodes, she says she doesn't want to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to be engaged to her. She gives up on her dream to be with Mario to make him happy- even though a break up is not what she wants. Dramatically, he comes through and proposes to her! Yes, love is patient and love is kind, after all. They still have challenges to overcome-a peek at the extra follow up episode reveals that- and I really hope they can make it.

Do you agree with these relationship lessons? Which do you need to apply to your own love life?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Solving the “Ex” Factor

2010-05-17T19:00:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

When working with clients in coaching at Master Matchmakers, part of our program includes the completion of a SWOT analysis. (Yes, business majors have the edge here!) I help my clients assess both internal factors (strengths and weaknesses) and external factors (opportunities and threats) that can help or hinder their ability to achieve relational happiness.

One "threat" that comes up repeatedly is attachment and/or unresolved issues with exes. Tonight's episode of Tough Love Couples illustrates the way in which a relationship with an ex boyfriend can cause insecurity in a current boyfriend, as well as stress and confusion in his girlfriend, namely within the lens of Larry and Heather's relationship. Heather's friendship with her ex was so problematic that Steve made her put a year long "ban" on communication with him. I wholeheartedly believe this ban is crucial for the survival of their relationship.

As I get ready to watch Dennis and Simone, yet another couple on Steve Ward's "hot seat" after the commercial break, I think the following:

Trust is absolutely essential to a healthy, happy relationship.
Boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable correspondence with exes must be discussed and mutually agreed on.
Sometimes the past is the past for a reason, and one must let an ex go in order to move forward in a new relationship.

Is your ex a threat to your current relationship? If so, you must figure out a solution!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Mingling 101: Perfect The Art Of The Approach: May 22nd Event NYC: F

2010-05-14T13:01:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Unfortunately, when it comes to initiating conversation with strangers who spark a romantic interest, even some of the best "catches" out there fall short. Both men and women alike have difficulty approaching attractive members of the opposite sex. Whether it is the opportunity in the split second passing on the street, the chance for conversation next to the guy on the bus, or the choice among several potential suitors at an event or party, we could all benefit from learning how to handle these situations. If you are like most women, you have probably been socialized to let the man make the initial approach. You do know that you must give him some clues, right?

Looking fabulous? Check

Smiling? Check

Eye contact? Check

Inviting body language? Check

Off the Blackberry? Check

And he's still not introducing himself, huh?

If you are sending all the right signals and he still fails to initiate conversation, you have two options: 1. Talk to him. 2. Walk away. The decision you make will be the result of the way your own psyche works as well as several other factors surrounding your love life. (i.e. Are you holding on to a past relationship or have a current "Plan B" in your heart.. or bed?)

Just know that there is many an interested and interesting guy out there who fears rejection, lacks confidence, and could desperately use a nudge. Essentially, he has no clue what to say to you and would love a hint. He could be a great boyfriend, but if you don't do something about it you are either scared, foolish, or don't really want him. Either way, you'll never know what could have been.

If you, reading this, are that guy and you were interested, please send me an email! You need some assistance my friend. Maybe you are thinking that you were caught off guard or that you had a bad hair day; but don't allow these excuses to get in the way. Act on every opportunity or some other guy will. Like it or not, you are the one who is generally expected by most of society to make the first move. Women may show interest. Men should pursue. You can choose to accept this and watch the number of dates you have increase exponentially or try to convince your friends that you actually like spending all your nights alone with your DVR.

The point is, both men and women need help in everyday situations when there is less pressure to "pickup" and most definitely in situations like social networking/singles events where they are expected to talk to people! Fortunately, I am here to help share my knowledge, personal experience, and experience of clients with you.

If you are in or around NYC, you may wish to attend an event next Saturday evening in which I was invited to be the guest speaker. On May 22^nd, I will be speaking at Blue Moon Consulting's workshop "Mingling for Confidence and Success". The four components to effective mingling will be covered. My portion of the discussion will focus on personal branding for dating success and the power of positivity.

The workshop will be held from 5-7PM at Stone Creek, followed by a Lock & Key Party in which I will be mingling with singles at the midtown lounge, Opal, from 8 to 10PM. You can sign up and find more information here: http://www.bluemoonconsulting.net/workshop.php

Hope to see you there!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Labels & Love: Don’t ask your man this question!

2010-05-11T21:24:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Modern day relationships can sometimes take even the best of women on quite the ride. Highs, low, hot, cold, up, down, and back around. Some guys really make us crazy!

Sometimes, unfortunately, we allow men to take us on roller coaster rides that spin us around to the point in which we lose sight of who we are and what we are doing.

Ever initiate "the talk" with a guy who would not give you clarity on where your relationship was going? Yeah, it is about as fun as going to the dentist. Getting an answer to the "What are we?" question out of most guys is like pulling teeth!

Let me save you some trouble. If it is six months or less of involvement in any form, do not ask. If he hasn't made your "title" or lack thereof crystal clear, chances are he is not ready to. If he seems worth your time, you will just have to wait it out until he a. decides he is not going to get any better than you and makes the commitment b. decides he wants to stay single or c. until you get sick of waiting! Letting the man lead is the best way to see if he is into you, if you want to know how he truly feels.

In the meantime, use common sense to figure out where the two of you stand. A friend and colleague of mine, Jessica Berdan, has recently created a short quiz, which is linked to her blog, that can give you clear insight as to the nature of your relationship. Take "What Is Your Label?" and receive Jessica's advice for dealing with everything from hooking up to officially dating here http://www.msdateguru.blogspot.com/.

Ah, Labels and Love. Carrie Bradshaw would be proud! =)

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Re: My Dear Jersey Boys: Has “GTL” Gone To Far?

2010-05-03T14:22:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

The Jersey Shore show publicized a certain breed of man "It" girls in the tri-state area have been dealing with for years: Men who treat "GTL" (gym, tanning, laundry) as if it was their job.

While some women would never tolerate the stereotypical metro sexual man for the long term, there are many who have learned to tolerate-and even appreciate- the guys who make a hobby out of grooming and maintaining their images. Such men have their pros and cons like any other type, but there are certain breeds within the "GTL" context that are more undesirable than others. If you've got your sights set on turning the next Pauly D into boyfriend material, consider my advice before heading to the club!

To avoid like the plague:

Mr. GTL Tough Guy- Chelsea Lately sums it up best. She's quoted in Cosmo saying: "I'm not sure why they have to do laundry every day. Maybe if they didn't fist pump and fight every night, they could go without having to wash the sweat and blood out of their clothes every morning."
Mr. God's Gift to GTL- You'll know him when you see him. He's the hottest guy in the room. He'll try to get you into bed without even buying you a drink. Why would he, women buy him drinks!?
Mr. GTL Gone Wild- Two words: orange and steroids. Enough said.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Game Over, On To The Next. Dealbreakers for “IT” Girls

2010-04-30T11:51:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

If you want to know how to separate the men from the boys, consider adopting the no-tolerance policy for the following that I recommend to all "It" girls in search of a healthy, happy relationship.

Just say "No" to relationships that include:

A lack of communication: A man who is unwilling to discuss problems is going to be difficult to move forward with. If he can't express his feelings and thoughts about you and maturely handle conflict, you are going to grow more frustrated than you ever thought possible.

Bad sex: Life is too short to be with someone who is selfish in bed. The sexual dynamics are a metaphor for the entire relationship. If he doesn't take the time to learn how to please you in the bedroom, he won't care to make you happy in other contexts either. You'll wonder why you even decided to shave your legs-let alone make him your boyfriend!

Addiction: The only thing he should be addicted to is you-and in the cute, helpless puppy sort of way. A man with a dependence on drugs or alcohol or other addictive behaviors should be willing to get help if he truly loves you. A relationship with a hopeless addict leads to one path: heartache

A serious lack of funds: The type of man who is short on cash every once in a while but who would spend his last dollar on you is not what I am talking about. I am not referring to those in temporary debt/unemployment either. I mean the men who truly can't afford you-those who have made a series of irresponsible financial decisions, lack the motivation to better themselves, and take the means necessary to command a higher income. While you may not need a "Beamer, Benz, or Bentley," a guy who is always broke as a joke is just not cute.

Witholding of affection: You are a woman and you need to be loved. Someone stingy with compliments kisses, and random displays of affection will make you feel insecure and deprived.

Abuse: Physical, verbally, and emotionally abusive men do not know how to express love in a healthy way. If a man is unwilling to seek anger management, you are setting yourself up for a vicious cycle that includes hospital visits and low self esteem.

And finally……………………..

Lack of commitment:

If a guy is not entirely yours, he could be hers. Or the one next to hers'. The seemingly small pond of available men keeps women swimming in murky waters. Trust me, there is a whole sea out there. Don't you want to catch your own fish?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

The “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” standby

2010-04-23T14:03:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

A common reason for women initiating breakups is the old " I love him, but I'm not in love with him" standby. If you find yourself spewing out that one, you may want to follow up it up with a bit more detail, as most recently dumped men are not too happy with that. Ask yourself what changed for you? What changed with him? Is the dynamic beyond remedy, as there is something about him that you will just never be able to live with? Or can you work it out and bring back those exciting feelings that made you feel as if you were on a love drug like you did in the early days of your relationship?

You owe him something if he was a decent boyfriend- anything more than that line.

It's often hard to recall just when you fall in love; although some can note an exact moment. (the way he curled his lip when I told him about my imperfection, the seconds our eyes lingered at that bar, when he held my hand in the hospital bed, etc.) For others, it is something that happens gradually over time until one day they wake up and think "I love this guy!".

Sure those loving feelings may not seem to last forever, but they can just lie dormant for a while before coming back stronger than ever.

Before you break up with a guy for this reason-who is otherwise a very great candidate for you-ask yourself what the real reasons are. There is always plenty more where that came from.

Overall, when it comes to love and life, remember that people change-just as much as they stay the same.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Relationship 101: What They Should Teach You In School

2010-04-19T18:33:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Recently, a client who finished coaching with me at Master Matchmakers shared the following quote by Neal Garmen :

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They
don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.
They don't teach you anything worth knowing."

My client wanted to add that "they" don't teach you how to date!

It seems silly that high school curriculums would not include some lessons on attracting and maintain a truly healthy and satisfying relationship. Considering the divorce rate in the US today and the poor role models in pop culture, many young people would benefit from learning about how to choose a suitable partner, avoid red flags in dating, and master the skills that make a marriage work. Communication skills, are, of course, a major asset to any partnership. Learning how to fight fair is another skill that is essential to dealing with conflict in relationships.

Often, people assume that relationships should be easy and that these skills should come naturally. As a Matchmaker and Relationship Coach, trust me when I state this, it is more often than not that they don't. Love is not never having to say you are sorry. Don't buy into the hype and the clichés. Relationships take work.

Start putting effort into learning how to improve your relationships today. It is always worth it.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Tough Love Couples Premieres Tonight on VH1 9 PM EST

2010-04-12T16:00:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

I just wanted to let you know about the show that is airing tonight for the very first time, VH1's Tough Love Couples, starring my bosses at Master Matchmakers, JoAnn and Steve Ward. I invite you to check it out. With couples instead of singles going through boot camp as in seasons one and two of Tough Love, the show is sure to provide audiences with insight into the male and female perspective regarding the challenges of modern day relationships. Allow me to warn you: it is not for the faint of heart!

These are real couples being faced with real decisions. At the end of the boot camp, they must decide if they will get engaged or end their relationship altogether. The stakes are high. The drama is ON. The love is TOUGH. And there are indeed lessons to be learned for anyone who seeks a healthy romantic relationship.

Hope you'll tune in and share you feedback with me by sending an email to Rachel@mastermatchmakers.com.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Do you want the diamond or the diamond in the rough?

2010-04-09T09:58:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

I came across a quote about two weeks ago that I have been sharing with my clients and friends ever since that really sheds light on the love lives' of many women I know. This quote-with the author unknown-is as follows:

"It is the most momentous question a woman is ever called upon to decide: whether the faults of the man she loves are beyond remedy and will drop her down, or whether she is competent to be his earthly redeemer and lift him to her own level."

Now, to many of you, it may seem like there is an unhealthy, borderline co-dependent component to this quote. You ask: "Earthly redeemer!!!!?" I know, I know. I do wish you have the reaction some of my clients had, in that you realize you don't want to "save" any man. (And that your focus is on "saving" yourself, of course!)

However, let me remind you that you can save yourself by saving someone else. You have to give love to get it- and not just for the sake of getting it. The wise know that love is a verb; it is something you continuously just do. It will not kill you to love someone you deem below your "level". Don't be so quick to make judgments about the superficial though. Socioeconomic status, education level, looks, etc, reveal a lot about a person but they don't guarantee a good man who you'll be happy with for the long term. Read between the lines. Ask yourself, if his character and the core of who he is are in cahoots with your own. Is he working on self growth and improving his life with the same speed that you are? Do listen to your heart…..but don't be a fool! See him for who he is and not what you want him to be.

As I've written before on this blog, I do not believe that you choose who you fall in love with but that you can choose whether or not the person you are in love with is a healthy object of your love. So, in essence, you can fall but not stay.

The quote illustrates the basic question that women everywhere ask themselves. "Is he good enough for me?" It underscores the need for women to weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving the men they love. If you find yourself in this common dilemma, ask yourself do you want the diamond or can you handle the diamond in the rough?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“Eff” That Dirty Laundry: Get Your Love Life Off Rinse & Repeat Today!

2010-04-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Do you ever feel like you romantic relationships can be defined as one bad love song stuck on repeat? Do you say you want a good guy but keep falling for the same bad boys who get you caught up in a web of lies? Do you feel like you must be wearing a sign or a displaying a doormat that reads "Cheaters are welcome"?

You, my dear friend, keep doing the same dirty laundry over and over. Although your boyfriends may look different on the surface, they all share similar characteristics that attract you to them. That being said, the greatest common denominator in your relationship history is still YOU. There is something about the vibe you give off, the image you portray, or the attitude you possess that has you stuck on rinse and repeat.

Do you have the courage to find out what is threatening you from getting the love you want? Many women don't. It can be scary to ask the guy who never called back after date number one if the "I'm-getting-back-with-my-ex" line was really an excuse to cover up his disinterest in dating a woman like you-let alone ask if there is something specific about you that turns him off. What alternative do you have? Drinking yourself into oblivion so you could hook up with someone else to get over the first guy? Come on now, you are not that kind of girl!

When I coach women at Master Matchmakers, I give them answers to the questions they are afraid to ask and vision for truths they didn't want to see. All of my clients finish our coaching program with insight into the ways they are ruining their chances of a great relationship. If you aren't currently working with a coach or therapist, you should be working with me, silly! OR you are going to have to do some detective work on your own. If you can't afford me, solicit the opinions of your friends and family on what you are doing wrong. If you are really brave, go to the sources themselves: the men- the ones you've bedded, the ones you liked, the ones you loved, and the ones that got away. Because if you don't ask them, how will you ever really know?

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“It” Girl On Brief Hiatus!

2010-03-22T13:12:00.001-07:00

Dear "It" Girl,

The title of this blog post says it all! I am taking a short break from blogging due to the need to focus on my latest project- my very first book: My FabJob Guide: To Become a Matchmaker. I am very excited to be writing this book which will help those interested in breaking into the exciting field of matchmaking. It will be available as an Ebook and in stores in the near future. As I've been writing compulsively to meet my deadline of March 31rst, while being sure to maintain my full focus on matchmaking and coaching my own clients at Master Matchmakers, I realized I, too, could use the breather I encourage all my clients to take! I invite you as my readers to take that well deserved break you need to prioritize and focus on what you need to do! Remember failing to plan is planning to fail. (And, as I've realized, books don't write themselves!)

You can look out for my next blog two weeks from today- April 5^th.In the meantime, feel free to follow me on Twitter. Username " TheRealLoveGuru" You can email me at RachelR2019@gmail.com with any suggestions you have for upcoming blog entries.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

He’s Just That Into You: Look for these clues!

2010-03-12T12:00:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Do you sometimes feel that men are hard to read? Does it seem that on one day they are all about you and on the next they are barely acknowledge your existence?

If you are dealing with a man who is hot and cold for the long term, my heart goes out to you. It can be incredibly difficult to tell how he really feels even if you think you know him well after you've been involved with him for many months. With the emotionally unexpressive and seemingly non-communicative variety of man, you must look directly at his behavior. This is where the old-actions-speak-louder-than-words-adage applies. Look at a consistent willingness to listen to your worries and an eagerness to do favors and take care of you as a surefire sign of a man who is emotionally invested in the idea of you and him in a relationship. But, be careful about making judgments that negate his commitment to you over failing to do little things-like the dishes-without considering your own behavior.

My "It" Boy, Chris Stokes, has recently shared some insight on this, in response to my January 18^th blog "Men and Dishes" He writes:

"I find often times, it depends how you ask someone to do something. If you come across as demanding and authoritative then a natural response is to show resistance and be defensive. However, asking politely mixed in with a little flattery and flirtation might lead to a pleasant surprise that your man will do the dishes. Ultimately, if you truly have a solid relationship and your partner truly cares about you and making you happy then they will surely do things that will bring about happiness to their partner."

You may be thinking, well, yes of course, a man who wants to make me happy will do stuff for me, but wondering how to know if he's into before you get to the stage of coupledom in which he actually has the opportunities to do things for you-like your dishes.

When it comes to a new guy that you have just met or started dating, it should be relatively simple to gauge his level of interest if you understand the ways in which men reveal their attraction. I am not talking about the frequency of calls and texts here, I am talking about actual clues-from facial expressions to body language- that make it undeniably clear that he's just that into you.

I've recently come across a great article, by Associated Content author, Lori Kremen, "Is He Into You?," that really outlines the major clues of major attraction for you. You can check it out here:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/485115/is_he_into_you.html?cat=41

Hopefully, this will all shed some light on the unsolved mystery of your current man!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Life is short. (Stop talking about stupid boys!)

2010-03-05T11:25:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

As a writer, I am constantly looking for inspiration for my next blog, article, or book. The most insightful Facebook status I have seen on relationships in quite some time is the inspiration for today's blog entry. It was actually posted by a high school student-My cousin, Rebecca Nidle- and was a direct quote from her friend -Nicole Pescatore-another high school student! It reflects a wisdom of teenage females today that can apply to women of all ages, races, and ethnicities. All around the globe, nice girls, mean girls, and every girl in between can relate to Nicole's quote. She said:

"We spend so much time worrying about these stupid boys .There's so many bigger things to worry about. When we get older, we are gonna look back and think about how we wasted our time on these stupid boys. We spent so much time worrying about them, and not enjoying ourselves. We need to let the past go and move on. The past is not going to come back, and we need to let that go."

Ah, yes, as an "older" girl, I know that feeling all too well. And, yes, you are wasting your time, girls! There is a whole word out there, with plenty of fish in the sea, who can bring you lots more happiness than the one(s) you are stressing over.

Girls talk about boys. It is what we do. We are socialized to place a high importance on relationships. As boys stereotypically bond on the basketball court, we bond from talking about them and analyzing our interactions (and lack of interactions!) with them. We chat in person, on the bus, before lunch, at lunch, after lunch, via phone, BBM, email, and IM. Then at dinner, we bring "him" up again!

In my opinion, all this "girl talk" -which is so natural, fun, and great for bonding us with our female friends- contributes to one of the most common mistake women make in relationships: Making men too important, namely more important than ourselves. This leads to an imbalance of power in romantic relationships. (Yes, he is talking about you to his friends, but do you think he spends half as much as time initiating the conversations about you as you do about him?!) This leads to women giving, giving, and giving and men taking, taking, and taking.

For a relationship to be successful there needs to be an equal amount of emotional investment from boy and girl. (And sometimes, it is actually more ideal to have the guy liking you more!) The secret to getting men to like you as much or more than you like them: Love yourself! Love yourself more than you love them from the very start and you will have them wrapped around your perfectly manicured fingers in no time.

Always remember the past is the past for a reason. If a stupid boy didn't make it into your future, there is a reason! You don't necessarily need to know why. Just know there's someone else out there who's waiting patiently to make it in your future.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

n. the past is not going to come back- and we need to let that go. - Nicole Pescatore

The He Said/She Said on Women who are Annoying Clichés!

2010-03-03T19:45:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

When on a first date, if there is one thing to avoid-other than garlic- it is being an annoying cliché! In a world in which there are plenty of fish in the sea, men know that they have their options in terms of dating. They don't have to put up with bad behavior from you when there is another girl around the corner who will treat them differently or be more appealing.

It is to your advantage to understand male psychology, especially the psychology of the particular man you are trying to date! (The good news is, a lot of men are more alike than different in some of the ways that they communicate and see the world. Thus, it should not be toooo difficult to figure your own out!) The idea is to do more of what he likes and less of what he dislikes-without compromising who you are.

One thing nearly all of my male clients tell me is that they don't like to feel like they are on a job interview on a first date. (I.e. Women who do this are annoying clichés!) When women ask things like "Is there opportunity for growth in your career?," men think they might as well just being wearing a sign on their heads that reads "gold digger". (And a lot of women make this mistake!) Now, since you are an "It" girl, I know that a man's career/education level and income-which is often reflective of this- is probably important to you. However, making men feel that it is of primary importance is never a good idea. It makes them think you are after them for their money and not valuing who they are. It makes you an annoying cliché.

Don't believe me and my "She said" version of this story.

Well, here is the "He said". These words straight from the mouth of my male guest blogger, Chris Stokes, in response to my January 29^th blog. Here's his take on the subject:

"I have found that many people especially when they are getting to know someone often refer to the protocol of generic questioning. These questions are not only annoying, but an often time makes an individual feel as though they are being interrogated. In a world whereby one seeks to be the one that "stands out" imposing such generic questions can lead one to believe you are not unique and perhaps rigid within society's norms. The questions that are truly worth avoiding include: What do you do for a living? Where do you see yourself in the future? Where did you go to school? Although these are all important questions, they hinder an individual in their quest to truly get to know the other person. Employment, education and even future ambitions/endeavors are all variables that can be altered and inevitable change if the person so wishes. Not to mention, if you're truly a good listener and communicator these are all questions that will be answered through conversation and open dialogue within time. Coincidently, an individual's character, personality and moral compass are variables that are seemingly constant/unchangeable. In some instance you may be able to tweak such unchangeable variables but never entirely and only if the person truly desires change. Coincidently, many of times we venture into relationships for the wrong reasons which ultimately lead to disappointment and a stigma we carry into future relationships. If you get to know an individual's character, personality and their moral beliefs, this will surely aid in creating a strong foundation to build a relationship off of. Hint: If you don't share the same beliefs, values and morals as your partner you will have a daunting task in maintaining and raising a family because you will always clash on what is "right" and what is "wrong"."

Now ladies, you may not agree with all Chris has to say, but I included his quote because it is helpful for us to gain insight on how men think. It is always beneficial to know about the perceptions and judgments they make from the ways in which you present yourself.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

“And this is how you get a guy…”

2010-02-28T21:15:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

It was nearly two years ago when I first uttered those words to my sister, on the way to the N train, as we approached the enormous escalator after the passageway between NYC's Port Authority and Times Square Subway Station. I proceeded to do what I'd done many times before: On cue, I routinely drop my two piece- luggage on the floor and waited for a well-meaning gentleman to take notice. Sure enough, within seconds, he came to help carry those heavy bags up the escalator. And there you have it: A great example of a wonderful relational dynamic between man and woman. Evidence in my belief that in existence is an array of kind-hearted men more than happy to help women like myself go about their everyday life.

On the contrary, many women today think chivalry is dead. Indeed, my own faith has wavered-most recently, just across the river, in Hoboken, where the frat boy types have no qualms about aggressively pushing their way through a group of women. Yet, I encounter the breed of man who pulls out chairs and opens doors more often than not, because I believe they exist. You can too!

To begin with, you must believe men helping women is actually good for society and heterosexual (and homosexual!) relationships of all kinds. I know- you can carry your own damn luggage. (Believe me, I can too if absolutely necessary!) You don't like to appear weak or seemingly dependent on men. The feminist in you may even see it as a contribution to society's imbalance of power. After all, you don't want men to think you "need" them or even worse that you "owe" them something for their help! Men are supposed to be like the accessories that enhance the outfit-not the outfit, right?

Well, if you'd like a man to take care of you, you must get over some of those destructive beliefs. (And who among us wouldn't honestly want that in some way?! Even the ice queens know they'd benefit from men being nice to them!) Men like to help. It makes them feel manly. They want to make your life easier. They'll even like you better if you allow them to do favors for you. (Studies show that this is true for both men and women who do favors- they like the person they are helping more!) It is okay to let them do some things for you. (Just don't take it to the extreme!) Don't forget to reinforce good behavior.

"And this," my dear hearts, "is how you get a guy"!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

What would you (and wouldn’t you!) do for love?

2010-02-24T12:45:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

"Great love and great achievements require great risks."

When it comes to loving someone, there is a lot to be risked. Exposing your true self and fearing the result, experiencing rejection, and becoming vulnerable to getting hurt emotionally are some of the major risks. There is also the possibility of letting your emotional brain overtake your rational one-resulting in a string of poor life choices. Sometimes, for women, this means staying with someone and doing things for him that negatively impact their health, career, lifestyle, and emotional well-being.

This seems like a huge gamble. One thing about men that I wholeheartedly believer is that they are most likely to love women who love themselves. Yet, I am a firm believer that risking nothing is the biggest risk of all. Ladies, you are going to have to take some risk if you want a mutual display of those warm and fuzzy feelings.

Today, I invite you to do some soul searching. It is important to get an understanding of just how important great love is to you. What are you willing and unwilling to do to be able to give and receive love? When it comes to love, there is no black and white. You must figure out your own shades of grey.

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Is he faking it?

2010-02-21T20:45:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

A wise man once said: "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." A wise woman asks: "Is my man fooling me?"

Rewind to your past relationships. Have you ever fallen for a guy who has treated you badly, because you settled into a relationship before deciding if he was even who you wanted? (You know the type in which you are just hanging out, barely calling it dating, and then suddenly you're his girlfriend?)

A happy love life is all about having a vision, setting boundaries, and sticking to them. (If you don't know what you want, how will you get it?!) Did you give him a chance because he was the only one showing interest? Remember, just because he's the only one up at bat does not mean he deserves to take a swing. Sometimes having nothing with "no one" is better than having something with "someone". Ask yourself why you are settling for chop meat when you deserve filet migeon. Is there a payoff or are you paying a price?

Certain men have a way of making women compromise their standards by settling for relationships or non-relationships that they never ordered. Perhaps it's their dimples or the fact that they are really good between the sheets that allows them to have a power over the women in their lives. A lot of times these men seem to have reciprocal feelings for their women-whether they have an official title or not-but there is always the chance that they are faking it.

Another quote comes to mind: "Women fake orgasms, men fake relationships." Too much of a gender stereotype? Perhaps- yet there is a kernel of truth about men hiding their true feelings for the sake of keeping a relationship that they enjoy. (i..e. Maybe he doesn't loooove you, but he loves what you do for him/with him and therefore leads you to believe he is more invested in the relationship than he really is!)

"It" girl, it is up to you to decide what you will and will not put up with from men. You draw the line. You shoot him down when he tries to cross it!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Live, Love, Stay “Fly”: The three codes an “It” Girl lives by!

2010-02-19T10:47:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Today's advice is simple. It is about the value of living in each moment, appreciating where you are at in your current life, and if coupled, loving the one you are with. Yet, we often take the every day for granted, barely making time to metaphorically (and literally!) stop and smell the roses.

We should strive to live each day as it is our last, because one day it will be. Not to be morbid, but think about how you would live a richer and more fulfilling life if you were always mindful of how finite time is. Would you be kinder to your friends and family? More supportive and understanding of the likes and dislikes of your partner? Would you kiss him like it was the last time-every time? Would you take more risks in terms of your career or make more time for you to travel and pursue your hobbies?

Perhaps, it's time to figure out what you really want out of life and start "Livin' It Up".

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

Breaking News In The Blogosphere: An “It” BOYS’ Take On 21rst Century Dating Trends

2010-02-16T22:36:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Since I've created this blog, I have found that men are often the biggest fans of my relationship blog for women! Since I think both my female and male readers can benefit from a man's perspective, I wanted to bring such to this blog by introducing you to a few "It" Boys. (Who says this has to be a girls only club?!)

The first "It" Boy you should know is a twenty something New Yorker named Chris Stokes. He is a Mercy College graduate (with honors!) who majored in Criminal Justice and Psychology. His professional experience is quite diverse spanning the industries of Construction, Accounting, Real Estate, Theatre and Hospitality. In his spare time, he enjoys assisting friends, learning about history, playing sports and motorcycle joy-rides. He is currently pursuing a career in the arts and entertainment fields because of his passion for human expression and as a means of helping others. After Chris reached out to me after finding me online, I met with him and found him to be an objective and realistic individual who could use his writing to assist those who are having a hard time within the dating scene. He will be contributing to this blog in the upcoming weeks, so keep an eye out for his posts! (Yes, ladies, he is single!!)

If you are wondering what a man thinks about some of the biggest dating trends of the twenty first century-such as speed dating- look no further! Chris had a response to my Jan. 31rst post on speed dating, and there is much to be gained from his insight for us ladies!

In a nutshell, Chris' perspective on speed dating:

"Ultimately, I am a firm believer that if you truly know what would make you happy in a partner you will know instantly or within minutes if you have a connection with someone. My take on Speed Dating is that you should keep things in the present and talk about things like current events and/or things that are happening throughout the world etc. If you share similar beliefs and opinions on your topic(s) discuss you can then take things to the next level and get to know the person. Talking about things that are going on within the present can also shed light on an individuals', character, morals and personality without asking specific "hard-hitting" questions."

He does have some reservations:

"Although Speed Dating can be a fun and exciting way to meet other single people, I believe it can only be an enjoyable experience for those who truly know who they are as an individual and what they seek in a partner (looks, character, personality etc...). Consequently, if the persons engaging in the Speed Date don't have an idea of what they desire in a partner then it could make for a loonnnggg three minutes, or worse a horrible experience altogether."

He also agrees with my three bullet points on speed dating. (How sweet!) Chris says:

First Point- "A man who is constantly "looking for the bigger and better deal" will inevitable miss out on important things and you can be certain that if you become the "woman" he chooses it will only be for a period of time. Furthermore, that mentality in a man unfortunately leads me to believe that as a partner you will be considered one of many and not the only one. "

Second Point-"If a guy is stuck on things that just happened a few moments ago it surely is a sign of a person who might be clingy and ultimately a person who dwells on the past. If a guy, or person for that matter can dwell on something so petty that happened moments ago, imagine how he/she would dwell on more serious "wrong-doings" or "bad experiences" they have been exposed to. This may be a quick sign that the person sitting across from you may be an individual who is bitter, depressing, and someone who doesn't let things go, electing to allow previous experiences to fester. Ultimately, the past is your past and not part of the present and future for a reason!"

Third Point-" If a guy cannot stop talking about who he is, what he has done and where he is going in life, the best thing you can do is run for the nearest exit!!! This is a clear indication that the guy is self-absorbed and ultimately shows signs of selfishness. If he can't take a moment to inquire about "you" he is probably not the type that puts other people first thus implying your wants and desires will fall upon deaf ears. "

Amen to that! I appreciate Chris' profound perspective on human nature and relationships. I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say on diverse topics. If you have any suggestions for content, please email me at RachelR2019@gmail.com

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT

A “Love Gurus’” Most High-Pressured Blog entry: The Valentine’s Day Edition

2010-02-12T17:41:00.001-08:00

Dear "It" Girl,

Being the female that you are, you are most definitely aware of the approaching holiday-Valentine's Day-this Sunday, February 14, 2010-and all of the red hearts, pink roses, and chocolate covered strawberries that are supposed to come with it. You are probably also mindful of all the bad press Valentine's Day gets. (Anti-Vday parties, anyone?)The high expectations and huge disappointments of some women-most especially those who discover the Tiffany & Co. box holds a different kind of ring than they hoped for-and the sketchiness of some men who avoid the pressure by boycotting the holiday altogether, can make for a lot of negativity in the air.

Love is supposed to be in the air though. (At least that's what my Aol homepage suggests!) Being the "love guru" that I am, I, of course, have always loved Valentine's Day-whether I've had a love or not. I wish more people would share my penchant for the holiday and use it as an opportunity to celebrate love and life despite the imperfections of their loves and lives.

Some people say that you don't need a holiday to celebrate love-you should celebrate it every day. (For some reason, I doubt that such people celebrate love every day.) You know who those people usually are? Men! (Men who don't know what to get their wives and girlfriends for the holiday and just decide on nothing.) Now, don't get me wrong, if you follow this blog regularly, you know I love men!! I am merely pointing out that some men push some women to despise the day that they would ordinarily be predisposed to love.

Ah, Valentine's Day. It's bitter-sweet. It could be more sweet for you if you know what I know: Some men are nervous about showing feelings. Some men do not acknowledge feelings to begin with. (This does not mean that they do not have feelings!)Some men work hard to choose the perfect gift or plan the ideal date that reflects the level of their feelings toward their lucky ladies. Some men fall short. Some men hate on Valentine's Day. Some women hate on men who hate on Valentine's Day. Some women and some men do none or all of the above.

The point is, everyone is different. While this day will play out different versions of the same song for different people- ideally, all the songs would be love songs. If you have goodness and love and your life in the form of a romantic partner, hopefully you'll have more of it on this day. But let's get real ladies, if you weren't connecting and sharing the love with your current partner before February 14^th you probably won't be connecting and sharing the love after.

Clearly, your relationship is on your own time line. You can't hurry love. (Not even on Vday!) If you don't have a relationship, you have total control of planning your own time line for finding love. You can start by paying me and my team at Master Matchmakers a visit this weekend in Atlantic City, NJ for all over Valentine's Day inspired events. More info here: http://www.heartac.com/)

Whether your single, coupled, or anything and everything in between, I wish you a………

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

Love, Rachel Russo, MS, MFT